the final goodbye....

sorry it's been a while, we've been traveling like fools for the past couple of weeks & anytime we've had a moment to stop we haven't had internet access. much worse than not having a people magazine for a few months is not being able to read about my friends for a few days!! yikes, i got behind. so this will probably be the last posting in this private blog, we will go back to being public once i wrap up the group home life. then i will make this past year into a book & pretend it never happened. just kidding.


but the night before we left, the owners of the company we work for had a little FHE where they handed us a plaque with each of the kids' hand prints & then asked everyone in a circle to go around & talk about a memory of ben & i or something they would miss. let me just preface this by saying....BAWL FEST 2008.

our boss, emily was the first one to talk started off the tears. what she said was very sweet & i knew how sincere she was.


then onto sticky fingers chester who didn't cry at first but ended up crying later.


then the circle went to sweet einstein who didn't cry but said over and over, "i-i'm really going to miss you guys. really. i don't think you know how much." he gave me about 12 hugs before we left.


then to my lovely carmella, who started ME crying & she had to leave the room. she came back to say some of the most endearing compliments that i will never forget. (i love you!)


onto the new family teachers, who were also crying. (part of my tears was shed for them)


then to our newest client, i will call him chris brown, he had only been with us about a week & 1/2 so his good-byes weren't too emotional, but he was still really nice.


and finally...ernest. i never thought i would see a 16-yr. old boy cry with the ugly-cry-face but that's just what he did. with no shame. he bawled his little heart out & apologized "for every mean thang i ever done to ya." i don't think i posted this before but he had been saving up money to buy a house for ben & i so that we would stay. he told us he was up to around $85. that was when ben lost it.


then we were asked to speak to them...are you kidding me? i couldn't do anything but wipe the tears, & just sat by ben while he went around the room & addressed each of them, complimenting them & inspiring them to stay on the right path. and he cried, tears & shaky voice and all.


then it was over.


the next day we were supposed to be moving. supposed to be. however, in an attempt to save a little cashola on our drive out, we chose a sketchy moving company that never showed up. i was pretty close to losing my mind. i told ben we were in the black hole and never getting out. we had to pull things together & get a moving truck out the NEXT day. we slept on the floor, shared the upstairs with the new couple, and worked our buns off to make it out the following morning. what a mess. word to the wise....NEVER ever use Oasis Moving, or Discover Moving. they are shady, shady.

for the beginning part of the road trip, ben & i reminisced about some of our favorite memories while there. there were many moments i will treasure and many moments i learned from. i do feel we are better people because of this past year. definitely better parents. i have seen first hand what happens if you let your 2 yr. old walk all over you...they turn out to be 16, and angry, with no boundaries & throwing tantrums that will make you run & duck for cover.

i also know that the kids that were in our home for the past year knew that we cared about them enough to give them boundaries and rules. the FHE made it evident just how much they knew we loved them.

we will always wonder about them, keep in touch with them, & get on our knees in prayer that they will turn out okay. (that won't stop us from occasionally checking "america's most wanted" to see if chester has blown up anyone)

i will forever be grateful for these experiences of this past year. i am glad we are done, and doubt that i will do it again (never say never...even though, my mind is screaming, "NEVER!"). i feel this year has been another year of "molding" ...into what, i don't know. but i have changed, i am deeper, i am more aware, i am more patient, i am more outspoken (in a good way), and i am more unconditionally loving.

i am a changed person.

good bye, group home.

can i please have a moment...

i know it may not mean the same thing to you as it does to us, but if i could just please get a moment of silence as you look to the right and see that the countdown is changing from DAYS to HOURS. i can't even believe it. it doesn't seem real. it's the moment we've been waiting for for 365 days now.

yesterday was the last day at church. i remember the first sunday, so intimidated as we watched the "old couple" sit with the kids and then have to take one home in the middle of sacrament meeting because one of them had a meltdown. ben and i looked at each other with optimistic, naive grins. and immediately started the countdown.

so today we are going to spend tearing our hair out making sure we have everything taken care of. and we will be enjoying every minute of it.

wishing for...

a cool, refreshing glass of gingerale

someone to do all this work for me.

is it because it's a billion degrees out here in NC & we are supposed to be taking off in 4 days? ....or is it because i'm pregnant?

well, i guess it's all of the above.
HOORAY!

ode to my mom....

amidst all the excitement (well stress, really) of packing up our belongings, i forgot to do a birthday tribute to one of my most favorite people in the world. ms robintino steadman! or bob, as ben calls her.

not only is she one of the most thoughtful and loving people i have ever known, she has been the greatest example and teacher to me in my life. she is a beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside. i am a better mother because of her, i am a better person because of her. there have been so many fun memories and she has blessed me with so many opportunities. i hope i grow up to be just like her. i love you, mom!

best giveaway yet!!

hey there, so this is the best GIVEAWAY YET!! two $25 gift certificates to the really cute warm biscuit store so head on over to lauren's mom blog! (ps-if you feature the giveaway on your blog, then you actually get a 2nd entry into the drawing...as einstein would say, woot!)

...feeling...

lately i have felt a lot of things...excited for ben's schooling, stressed for the move, happy to see family & friends in utah, elated to be our little family again, and most of all... BLESSED.

this year has been difficult, we have been through some of the most trying things that have really tested us to our limits. i had a friend ask me how our marriage made it through. and i told him that we made it through because of ben. he is one of my constant, unshakable blessings. i have never seen a more patient, funny and amazing person. he was perfect for this job & even though we were stressed out a lot, we were blessed to have such a strong foundation in our marriage that even a 16 year old mess of a teenager & 11 year old mess of an almost-teenager could not shake.

i have also been staring at our little boy lately. he is just beautiful and funny and fun and sweet. yes he has a little fire of a temper sometimes (takes after his mom) but he is really a good boy who wants to be good. i pray that quality in him doesn't change. this year of health with him has been a blessing. no seizures, no specialists, no testing, no unanswerable symptoms. he is tiny and energetic and loves to learn. i am blessed to be his mother. (i hear his sweet little voice right now coming up the stairs, calling for me)

and i have been thinking about all of the people who have blessed my life by filling it with love and friendship. there were a couple of times that ben had to have a "chat" with me about how blogging was starting to take over my life but seriously, it became my outlet from this place. and i was able to keep in touch with the people i love and laugh and cry and not feel like i had lost myself here in the group home.

thank you for your comments, emails, phone calls and acceptance. i am blessed to have you in my life.

i feel blessed to live in this country. to have been born with so many privileges and freedoms. i love to celebrate the birth of this blessed land and to think about those who sacrificed their lives and continue to sacrifice their lives to protect and preserve these freedoms.

i'm also really excited for the next chapter in our life....whatever that may bring.....

finding the bEaUtY in...

so it looks like for the next 5 years we will be
trying to find the beauty in.....

this???

not looking forward to so much...
(i am specifying this is a picture of sweat, ben told me the picture didn't make sense. he thought it was "eyeball.")

this???

makes my heart skip beats just looking at the picture....



but this???

now THIS i think i could get used to.

BEN GOT INTO HIS DOCTORATE PROGRAM!!! WE'RE HEADING FOR PHOENIX!! SAY HELLO TO DR. STRADER IN 5 YEARS!!! (because you KNOW he's going to grow a beard & make you call him that)

nErVoUs...

well today has come and gone. today being the day. the day we were supposed to hear back from the phoenix school. and even though it's 10:37pm, i am still sitting by the phone ready to pounce like a cat if the caller i.d. reads anything remotely close to the arizona area code. the board of admissions could still be up deliberating about how AWESOME ben would be as a student there, right?? (i am scared i am wrong...)

as if that's not enough, i got a bill in the mail from a year ago that said i am about to be sent to collections because my insurance isn't covering a doctor's visit when my allergies took on a life of their own last may. wait, let me go to the cupboards and grab my salt. in fact, i'll make it sea salt. here you go. just rub it in the wounds. ahhhhh. stinging. much better. thanks for that today.

caution: wet floor

this morning we had an incident. nothing major, but enough to write about. ernest was having our new staff member, madeleine, check his chore to make sure he had completed it.

...sidenote...
i have realized that each of our clients has a "badge of honor" of some sort. don't we all in a way? but here is what i think each of our clients' badge of honor is and then i will tie it in to the story.

einstein: his intelligenc & ability to know unimportant facts about everything and nothing.

chester: his sticky fingers & sneakiness. he can steal stuff without batting an eye and think he can get away with it. (unfortunately for him, he doesn't realize that we are going to check under his mattress EVERY TIME.)

ernest: he has been here 3 years in september. that's right, 3 years. and he touts this like it has made him a celebrity or is wearing the sheriff's star on his ripped t-shirt. when in fact, in real life...it makes him the opposite. (but shhh. don't tell him that.) he loves to brag about knowing all the past clients & family teachers. all the rules and secret hiding places in the home. which is what made today interesting...

so since he has been here almost 3 years (which BTW the years just continue to grow, all of a sudden we overhear him saying to a client, "yaaah, i've beeen here five years an' it's gonnnna be six sooon." in his draaaaaaawl), he knows that he is supposed to vacuum the rug, move the couches and sweep the entire living room floor and hallway, then mop. and although madeleine is new, i've already prepped her. so she says that he hasn't moved the couches and mopped the entire floor. he gets disrespectful and tries to bring me in on it. i refuse, saying that she is a staff member and he needs to be respectful to her. he continues to escalate, getting confused on "the facts" and closing his eyes like he is trying so hard to remember exactly what he said to her just 30 seconds ago. he continues to get frustrated and i ask him if he needs time to calm down and to go down to his room.

he yells, "I DON' NEED NO TIME!" as he pounds the cupboards in the kitchen. well clearly i am wrong. he is completely calm...or not... so i again ask him to speak respectfully. he stomps off into the living room, whipping around the mop and slamming it all over the floor. then he picks up one side of the couch and turns it over onto its side. i'm still being nice at this point, prompting him again to remove himself so that he doesn't make things worse. just then chester asks me to check his chore. i say sure, and walk down the hallway.

and suddenly hear a huge SWOOSH. i look down at ernest, who has just dumped the entire bucket of mop water all over the floor. it's going everywhere. down the stairs, on the rug, the overturned couch. well that was IT from the nice fairy. i walk up there, sloshing around in about an inch of water and say,

"okay, so obviously you just want to throw this little temper tantrum in front of everyone instead of handle it like the adult you claim to be, in your room. once it's over and you've calmed down, help yourself to the towels and get this cleaned up."

about 10 minutes later, he apologizes & i help him mop up the mess. i had told him that we needed a "wet floor sign" and he says with his slow laugh, "weeell, why don' ya just lay me down on the flooor 'cuz i'm wearin' a yeller t-shirt. huuh huuh huuh." i told him if he starts acting again like he just did a few minutes ago, that i just might think about it.

taken for granted

so my funny side may not have completely returned (yet) but a little piece of my spiritual side has. i got to go to the temple to do a session tonight for the first time in OVER A YEAR. as usual, a little drama ensued.

i somehow didn't bring my recommend. interesting seeing as i used it just last weekend at christy's sealing. and i ALWAYS put it in the same spot. but i guess my cute shoes distracted me last saturday and i ended up in a lurch tonight....the last session...bishop not answering his phone...luckily it all got worked out.

then as i was changing my zipper got stuck halfway up and would not budge. it's not because i've outgrown it (though i know that is what you were thinking) but actually because i made a dumb decision to wear it when i was 9 mos. pregnant & at that time WAS too big for it in the boosie area, but squoze (that will be a word tonight) into it anyway. pretty embarrassing being great with child & having to ask a temple worker to go get another dress for you while you hang out in the very busy locker room, holding up the other ladies trying to get in & have to tell your husband that you burst your zipper. before i left tonight, i tried out the zipper and do you know that ol' gal went up and down like a champ. i practiced it like 15 times but i apparently the 16th time is the charm. she refused to budge. i had to get my arms out, turn it around frontways, zip it up backwards, and shimmy it around the correct way again. nice trick, no? i'm telling you, those days in gym class & being the conservative dresser that i am, made for some very creative dressing/undressing techniques. if it were an olympic sport, i could probably at least take a bronze.

unfortunately i did make everyone wait about 10 minutes. i know you don't read this, but sorry folks.

i didn't get to go with ben which i would have preferred, but got to go with my friend jamie instead. ben will go with her husband troy tomorrow morning. i had no idea how difficult it would be to find a baby-sitter for my son and 3 teenagers at the same time. (note to self in about 15 years or so: it will be difficult. start looking for a baby-sitter right now for friday night, june 2027.)

anyway, it was refreshing. i just love the peace and separateness-from-the-real-world feeling i get when i am there. sometimes i think i take for granted all of those things that are just "routine" in the mormon utah culture. being able to switch date nights with someone else who wants to go. i felt so grateful for the chance to go.

LL #6

life lesson #6: sometimes "funny" likes to play hide-'n-go-seek:

i have felt a bit frantic lately. that is why my blogging has slowed. i really feel like blogging is my outlet to still make myself laugh even in some tough situations. however, my funny side has mastered the "hide" part of hide-'n-go-seek. i haven't seen her in a while, though i have been looking. every now and then i think i see a glimpse of a toe or a corner of her red shirt. and every now and then i will hear a giggle or a snicker. but for the most part, my "funny" hider is getting better about steering clear from this seeker.

i am a stresser-outer. someone who likes a clear plan for the future & then have some reasonable time to get myself together. however my time is spent otherwise without much of a break and i am quickly boiling up like a tea kettle ready to let loose in a high-pitched whistle.
ben did have his phone interview on tuesday with one of the head honchos at the school in phoenix he is hoping to get into. REALLY hoping. because at this point, there is no plan B. there are no other baskets to put our eggs in. so the earliest we should hear back is this next tuesday, the latest in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. "funny" just shoved herself a little farther back in her corner. (anyone else notice that to the right of this post we have less than 3 weeks before we are supposed to move??)

but tonight & tomorrow until 6pm ben, caleb & i have some time off. i am bound and determined to attempt to relax. i may even start humming the tune "every party has a pooper" to my stressed-out side to give her a little heads-up that she is not welcome back until 6pm on friday night.

and to my funny side....ready or not, here i come.

LL #5

life lesson #5: killer shoes are going to live up to their name.


these are not the exact pair but they are close enough. just without the strap in the middle, but still with a strap around the ankle.

i love these shoes.

but for anyone searching for the perfect pair to break in while being worn to a friend's wedding, look elsewhere.

after being scrunched in the lovely shoes for hours, these little piggies wee, wee, wee'd all their way home. that won't stop me from wearing them to church though. i figured 6 days was enough time for my toes to recuperate and forget the pain i had put them through.

on another note, i am highly impressed with the new madden girl line. they are fantastic, check them out.

here comes the bride.

congratulations christy!

the day was lovely and the bride was lovelier. and he looked dapper. part of the crane family...i love them!

i had a great time at the wedding, celebrating with friends and then getting a chance to spend a teeny bit of time with my mom & sister. highlights:

• almost missing my connecting flight to salt lake.
• seeing laur & brett's cute kids.
• gabby singing "part of your world" at the top of her lungs dressed only in a shirt, undies & her cinderella slippers. accessorized with her favorite aunty's lipstick of course.

• fat merrick's thighs. heavenly.

• hearing jude say "forkin spoon" with his lisp which turned out to sound a little more offensive than he meant it (say it really fast & mispronounce your "r"s like little kids do)

• having my birthday come early....a new dress AND new shoes...compliments of mom & laur. thanks again ladies!
• my intimate couples' massage with my mother. brought some giggles out of both of us.
• my chain-smokin, tattoo wearin' masseuse. thanks again john. you have gentle hands.
• christy's wedding, the sealing, the reception, the fresh pineapple. it was all lovely.
• hanging out with lindsay. i'll woo 'em...(you can finish the rest linds ;)

• seeing old friends who had traveled far for the occasion.

• actually being able to READ & FINISH A BOOK for the first time since december. the host. liked it. a lot.
• plane ride home, next to a man chugging wine. felt the potential for another david hasselhoff moment, but luckily there was no drama.
• got to hang out with my favorite guys tonight. glad the weekend went so smoothly. thanks again ben & our awesome staff.

she's leaving on a jet plane.

yes it's true. one of my oldest & favorite friends christy is getting hitched this weekend and my sweet husband & a sponsor (who will remain anonymous even though i know exactly who you are & don't know what to say except THANK YOU) went in on a plane ticket for me to go.

i wish that i had time to see all the people i love in utah...but this is really quick trip. here for the wedding, out the next morning. so unfortunately i will have to send you my love through a blog. don't be angry, we will be back in utah in less than month for hopefully a week or two & would LOVE to see all of you then. plus, what good am i without my two boys? i am a shell of who i would be with them. a more relaxed

that being said, i am already shell, but a shell nonetheless. :)anxious to step onto the plane. i despise flying with a passion. i'm not too worried about us "going down" or anything, i just get airsick. i cringe when i think of the feeling i get in my abdomen when the plane takes off and i dry heave thinking of the feeling i get when it touches down. i need fresh air and an open window. or at least the knowledge that should the need for an open window arise, the option is there. i feel trapped in a plane. not claustrophobic (i don't think) but just an urgency to have my hair feel wind-swept.

of course, if the plane does happen to go down, know that i love you all. i like some more than others, but i love you all. that was a joke. but seriously, if they uncover my body on the floor of the ocean, know that it is a conspiracy and that i am still alive on a random island carrying my tiki torch and searching the jungle with john locke. don't ever stop looking for me, benny (rhymes with penny, get it, lost fans??). use every last dollar to come and save me so i can be tortured the rest of my life back on normal ground and go insane until have to return to that same said island to rescue relatives i never knew i had.

i bid you all adieu.

kickin the pooch when she's pooched.

dear face,

hi, it's me.

the spirit behind the skin. i just wanted to ask you why you insist on popping up new zits in unremarkable places during a time when i am most stressed.

why do you have to kick me while i am already down?

when i am, for the first time in a while, packing & preparing to see some long lost friends & family (will get to that in a minute), do you feel you need to provide these angry little red dots that unfortunately match my moods? are you a type of mood ring? clear & lovely when i am happy, angry and red (and apparently producing friends faster than two rabbits can produce baby bunnies) when i am mad and about to lose it?

why can't i get a break. i can't wear a diego band-aid on the plane and you are well aware of that fact.

how about if we do a make a little deal. when i am angry, you provide fantastic looking skin so that i can say to myself "well at least i have that." i promise to stop eating rice krispie treats if you'll hold up to your end of the bargain and give me what i am asking for.

pinkie swear?

snap crackle & pop,
lynsey


dear neck,

me again.

i was informed today by the lovely clinique counter lady that i have been abandoning & neglecting you for up to 27 years now.

apparently every time i moisturize my face, i am supposed to be moisturizing you also. since this is the first i've heard of the notion, i think it's fair to ask that you cut me a little slack and not age quicker than you are supposed to.

don't think you need to add an extra 27 years of wear and tear on just to spite me.

from this day forward you will no longer be coveting the moisture that has been applied to your above-mentioned neighbor. but i swear to you, if i see one pre-40's wrinkle, i will snap that lotion lid on quicker than you can say 'bob's your uncle' and you will see it no more.

just so we have an understanding.

thanks for your patience, i am an ignorant fool.

here's to years of moisture,
lynsey



dear clinique counter lady,

i'm sure you were attempting a little kind gesture when you stuck 2 sample tubes of "acne solution: emergency gel-lotion intensif" into my bag.

but quite honestly, today it felt like a little jab.

i know i was asking you for advice; however i didn't mention any concerns of the blemishes gracing my cheeks this afternoon and yet somehow you caught on.

maybe instead next time try to offer a heavier concealer. in a tactful way, of course.

not that this means i don't want the samples, you see.

i have probably used half of a tube just in one night. and when i wake up tomorrow, if this "emergency" stuff actually works, i may just send you a little thank-you card in the mail. time shall tell.

i guess i should say a little thank-you for just popping them in there without a word. i didn't feel insecure about being out in public with my scary skin until i was at home and opened up the bag to moisturize my neck, and saw the green little tubes. so i do appreciate your discreetness.

possibly your new friend, possibly still embarrassed,
lynsey

anger, seething, frustration...

(ooooooh. just re-read through what i just typed. this is some major venting, and most if it won't make sense to outsiders of this job. read at your own risk.)

are just a few emotions that are rolling through me right now. i'm not going to expound more except to say two things:
1) 9 YEAR OLD CLIENT COMING. 9???? that means something major has gone on in order to be placed here.
2) just an overall feeling of being veeerrrryyy unappreciated by the head honchos that run this joint. they say that we are the best family teachers that they've ever had, they say that they will do everything in their power to convince us to stay, but then their actions are the exact opposite.

(okay, so obviously i am not really going to only say 2 things. it was not realistic of me to think i could be done with just those short sentences. hold on to your hats.)

and they wonder why couples only stay in this job a year??? you know honestly, the kids can drive me bonkers sometimes. they are an absolute handful. however...we would have completely considered staying here if our bosses (above our immediate supervisor, who is awesome btw) had actually helped us to feel like we were more than the dirt off of their shoes. they are (deep down) good people, but they just treat the family teachers...which in my humble opinion...is the most important position here (don't be offended, carmella, you know we couldn't live without you) like they are the least important. "how do you feel about taking a girl client?" "you know, we really don't feel like that is a good idea, here are our reasons why." (phone rings one day later) "there will be a 10 yr. old girl arriving in your home tonight." "how do you feel about a 9 yr. old client?" "we really have concerns about a client that young and this is why." (email one hour later) "there will be a 9 yr. old client coming to your home next week."

so here i am now, yelling at my blog and pretending it is my boss:

WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER ASKING US IF YOU DON'T EVER LISTEN TO US? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON STRESSING US OUT CONSTANTLY AND ACT LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT IT? THE JOB IS STRESSFUL ENOUGH WITH ONLY 12 HOURS OFF A WEEK AND THE KIDS ARE ALL HOME FOR THE SUMMER. AND WITH A MOVE COMING UP IN LIKE 3 WEEKS AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE MOVING TO YET. HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE YOUR PEA-SIZED, GRINCH-LIKE HEARTS AND COME ON OVER HERE TO WORK FOR US THE LAST FEW WEEKS AND WE WILL TAKE OFF EARLY. AND YOU CAN SHOVE THAT YEAR-END BONUS WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.

phew! i feel a little better now. i think packing some boxes tonight would be semi-therpeutic. goodnight. and my apologies to those who suffered through this one.

not one, but two...

on my sister's blog, there are two giveaways this week! one is a $10 giftcard to target & the other is a really cute parking pal magnet to go on the side of your car. so click on the link, read the articles, leave a comment & you're entered for the giveaway!

a little reminder...

things have been a bit calmer since fantasia's boot to boot camp.

but just in case we forgot where we were, chester, our client addicted to slamming his door, punched through his bedroom window today. all over being asked to do his dishes he left from last night.

a little reminder to never get too comfortable with quiet, never pat ourselves on the back for being able to change behaviors, never let us forget why we are leaving in under a month. i know the rewards of this job usually come much MUCH later after we are gone,

but seriously....give us a break.

a dad is...

someone who makes you smile when you don't feel like smiling...

someone who feels your pain...

someone who will tickle you until you wet your pants...

someone who will share their hairstyle techniques...

who will hold you tight after you've been on a long journey...

someone who will lift you up so you can see the light...

someone who values education...

someone who will help you appreciate the beauty of the earth...

someone who will teach you "marco, polo"...

someone who will help you walk through trials...

someone who will talk you through your problems...

someone with a fantastic sense of humor...

someone who will make you feel like a prince or princess...

someone who will sit on santa's lap when you're too scared to...

someone who is a good friend...

someone who will carry you when you are too tired to stand...

someone who would make his own father proud...

for all these reasons and more, this is why we love you.

happy father's day, ben.