for carmella, who is "in like" & benny, who i love

a kick-off to our almost valentine's month!

we'll sing of his goodness and mercy

to hear about president hinckley's passing away was difficult for me. he was who i would consider, "my prophet." he was there when i gained my own testimony of the book of mormon & again when my testimony was restrengthened about the book through his challenge to read it by the end of the year. he was there when i gained my testimony of the prophet joseph smith, visiting nauvoo, carthidge jail & liberty jail. he was there when i gained my testimony of temples, being in the bountiful temple & listening to him do the temple dedication. he was there when i gained a testimony of the importance of being a "peculiar people." for those reasons and so many more, i am sad to say goodbye to such an amazing man. his sense of humor, his sweetness and above all, his unconditional love reached out to those inside and outside of the church. i am so proud to call him the leader of our church. i remember the first time i was able to actually see him in person....at the dress rehearsal of his 90th birthday party in the conference center. i wasn't sitting close, but the second he entered the room a hush fell over the crowd and the spirit was so strong that i could not deny that this was truly a man of God.

thank you for your example, president hinckley. you will be missed.

ghetto crocker

we had a dessert competition today with the clients & this is what was created out of a couple of cake mixes, a bit of frosting, some sprinkles, & a whole LOT of love.





this is what we here at youthquest would call a "hot mess."

now here's a picture of what the staff created, ben & angel.





and now, here is what happens when the kids cut into it.




that's what we here call a HAM. hot a** mess. eat your hearts out!

pessimism gone bye-bye!

i realize that my last post was a bit of a downer. after reading it, i think that readers may think that i absolutely hate this job & i want to make it known that i don't. i really enjoy so many things about this job & although it's been difficult, i have learned a lot. the benefits & blessings have outweighed the trials & heartaches by far. that doesn't mean, however, that i am not looking forward to the silence that will be coming in 6 months when my life becomes my own again. but i don't consider that pessimism. i consider that a reality that anyone in their right mind would look forward to. can i get an AMEN.

one of "those" days

so i realize that one of "those" days has a different definition to everyone. that could mean that your 5 kids have run rampant through the home, taking off their poopy diapers & fingerpainting, pulling the cat's tail, falling down the stairs & breaking a leg, dumping spaghetti sauce all over the kitchen floor, & putting liquid dish soap in the dishwasher, causing it to overflow with suds & soak & ruin your cheap linoleum floor. or it could mean a busy day at the office, your boss gets mad at you for something you didn't do, everyone else calls in sick to work causing you to pick up the slack, the loony customer decides this is the day to go ape-crazy on your behind & cuss you out in front of everyone, & you get told you don't know how to "prioritize" because you haven't been able to get any of your own duties done.

this is what one of "those" days means to me:

being too exhausted physically & mentally to go into details about how
1) my new nickname, according to fantasia, is b*$#h
2) letting carrot top know that we are reporting his actions to his parole officer, which will most likely result in jail time
3) watching ben & fantasia struggle over a honey-baked ham, leading to a 10 minute stand-off with both of their hands wrapped around a refridgerator, where she continually threatens his life
4) being 'iced in' to the home, unable to go anywhere for 2 days because of the weather that causes the entire state of north carolina to shut down
5) i've given myself about 10 pep talks in the past 2 days to get me through the final 6 months at this job

you have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

so school was almost cancelled today. why? because they predicted 1 INCH of snow. this has to be some sort of joke. i know it. i know someone is around the corner waiting to yell, "JUST KIDDING! we really aren't pansies who can't drive during a light snowfall!"

instead school was delayed for 2 hours. is there any snow on the ground? nope. but just the possibility of it sent the people of north carolina into a frenzied state. here at the group home we are always in a frenzied state. but it's usually over something significant...say, carrot with a broomstick in his hand and a gleam in his eye. or fantasia screaming at the top of her lungs with snot running down her nose. those to me are worth the frenzied state. not the same as lovely little pieces of frozen water falling from the clouds. but what do i know? i'm just from utah.

ps-it is now two hours after i originally started this post. still have yet to see a flake. at first i thought i saw something, but it was just dandruff on einstein's shoulder. sigh.

boobaly & elders

tonight caleb was in the bathtub & i went up to say hi. caleb wanted me to see all his bubbles. when i commented about them he said, "ya, i'm all boobaly." ben & i started laughing & said "boobaly?" i personally thought that's what pamela anderson is, but i guess there can be more than one definition to a word. here is a picture of caleb being all boobaly.






then the elders stopped by for a visit. things always get exciting when they're around & it always heightens my senses of the lunacy that surrounds me at the group home. for example, while elder jensen was bearing his testimony about not serving two masters, einstein raised his hand. when called on, he said, "i have the devil sitting on one shoulder and former president bill clinton sitting on the other. i base everything i do around what one or the other tells me." here is a picture i can post of the elders, because none of the clients are in there (at least not enough to recognize), you get the idea of the amount of torture they go through each time they visit. they put new meaning into the phrase "charity suffereth long, and is patient." thanks guys, for putting up with it.

the day of reckoning

carmella & i took carrot top to court yesterday for him to face the felony charges that he got for the more than the thousands of dollars worth of damage he did to the home & the company van in august. that was the same fateful day that ben had to restrain this big boy, rolling around on our front lawn. i did get the chance to pin down his legs. woo hoo.

anyway, we're in court. i can't even describe the caliber of people sitting on all sides of us. there was the old old man sitting next to carmella. usually i am in full support of people wearing sandals without socks. this man broke the mold with the nastiest, driest, most cracked feet i have ever seen. forget the faux paux, put some socks on!!

then there's the strung out african american lady sitting behind us. from the looks of things she forgot both her teeth and her bra. along with some common sense. the deputy was trying to get everyone to slide down the benches to make room for those having to stand. she refused. he walked up to the crowd, stared her down and yelled, "EVERYBODY MOVE DOWN TO YOUR RIGHT!!" still no budge, just a stare back, along with the clicking of her empty gums. tension in the room rose. finally the lady next to her started saying "move down! move down!" and shoving her at the same time. luckily, gummy & saggy moved before things turned hectic.

but nothing topped the comment coming from another african-american man who arrived late in court, side-by-side with a very pregnant lady. he yelled this out when they called his name & read his charges. keep in mind he is in COURT. for CHARGES.

"hey, could you speed this up a little? my girl, she be havin contractions."
the deputy looked incredulous.

the best part of this little happily-ever-after is the charges that were being pressed on the two of them:

child endangerment.

living the american dream i guess. welcome to durham, north carolina.

skin pelt part 2

so we all knew einstein was a little different. the comment he made to his teacher regarding his skin pelt being hung on a mantle was disturbing. however we have had an interesting update on the situation.

einstein has been requesting the right to earn having a pet in the home. this is not unusual, ernest has 3 fish & past clients have had hamsters before. einstein has requested mice. wasn't sure why, now i am.

his case manager called us today & said that einstein had been talking to him about earning some mice & gave us a little heads up. turns out that he has raised mice in the past. a little odd, but whatever. the sick & twisted part of the whole deal is the fact that when once of his mice died, einstein's sister said that he WORE THE DEAD MOUSE'S SKIN AROUND HIS FINGER FOR A WEEK.

ask me why i sleep with a bat under my side of the bed. just ask me.

i'm it

i was tagged & it looks like this one is to post some random stuff about myself. could be interesting, more possibly could be quite boring. i think i am pretty much a boring person with an interesting job. but let's see what i can come up with!

**i am 27. wow that sounds old! but my sister thinks that her prime will be in her 30's and i have to say that's a good motto. just gearin up for the fantastic years to come!

**i have one child, although at times he has felt like at least 3 kids. i know people think i am exaggerating because i technically have no idea what it feels like to have 3, but seriously. his first 2 years were a bit nuts.

**once at a family christmas party (shellee & aim you should remember this) my grandparents rented a minnie mouse costume for someone to dress up in & hand out candy canes. i don't know how i got volunteered for the job but i did, and did it with style. apparently the costume was a little old because about halfway through the ordeal, minnie's nose fell off. we didn't know what to do with it so we stuck it in her mouth. hopefully none of the kids noticed. i do remember how stiflingly HOT it was in there, but there are some classic pics because of it. just picture minnie doing a rockettes pose and you've got it.

**i am what i would call a 'closet singer.' i absolutely LOVE to do it & think that i am pretty decent, but if someone asks me to sing in public i FREEZE up. ben thinks i should make a CD. isn't he sweet.

**at some point in my life i played the piano, flute, violin & guitar. i took tap, ballet & jazz dance lessons. what do i do now? manage a group home.

**i am addicted to trashy gossip magazines & shows. since working here, i have to admit i have gotten better. but seriously now...can you BELIEVE that halle berry, jessica alba, jamie lynn spears & countless others are pregnant?? and did you see britney spears strapped into a gurney? my personal opinion is that if she had been put in a group home at an early age, her life would have turned out much differently. in a positive way. pre-justin timberlake. okay i will stop.

**i absolutely HATE the word: 'discharge.' it has taken the #1 spot on my list of words to cringe at well above 'moist.'

**i love to collect hair products. it is crazy. every time we move i have to give away hundreds of dollars of hair products & make-up that have never been used, or used once. you would think i look better than i do. i said i "collect" them i never said i knew how to "use them correctly."

**i don't like to cook. this is something i have had to do my best to overcome now that i cook for 8 people. but i just d-r-e-a-d it. that is ben's #1 complaint about me that he wishes i liked to do it. but i think it works out ok because ben really enjoys cooking. from scratch. can you believe that??? who would EVER want to cook from scratch? my fancy man.

**i crave relationships with others. not "shallow-tons of friends-have tons of parties" type of relationships. but ones that are meaningful & deep & loyal & with people i can trust. that has been ingrained in me since i was a little girl. i try really hard to be the type of friend that i would want to have in my life.

**this job has helped me to be a more patient, kind & empathetic person. it has also pushed me to my limits emotionally and physically. my life has been threatened more times than i can count, i have been sworn at & treated poorly & taken advantage of, but i have never felt closer to my husband or to my heavenly father than i have these past 6 mos. and at the end of the day, i really feel that i have made a positive impact on these kids' lives. i also know i am a better mother to my child & future children from the skills i have learned. so no, lauren, i don't regret the decision. there is the answer to your question...just sometimes i have to think about it before i can answer honestly!

i tag: lauren, kirsten (time for the closet blogger to come out of the closet!), angie hamblin & ben gunn

new moon & eclipse

here is the review i posted on my bookclub blog about these books. loved them!




ok here we go! over christmas break, during the 2 days we had NO CLIENTS HERE (a moment of silence please for how fantastic that was) i had the chance to read the rest of the series. it was great! ok so here are my two cents, for anyone who cares (if you haven't read this series but plan to, don't read on):

1) even though edward is beautiful & perfect & everything else
2) i would pick JACOB!!!

i like a man with a dark, tormented side. that is why i married ben (ha ha!). not that edward doesn't have that but he's just TOOOOO perfect for me. and in the end, i think bella would get tired of it. and then it would be too late, she would be a vampire, and she would have to spend eternity with him. i just am not a hopeless romantic and i would get tired of all those smoochies and perfect compliments and that is all i have to say about that.

so there you go. i am on team jacob. loved the books, can't wait for the movie, can't wait for the 4th book.

***for all you doubters out there, i was one too! read the series!

where god is buried

so it turns out that ernest, among other things, is a new testament scholar. while watching the new "national treasure 2", the characters are trapped in a cave in mt. rushmore after a round stone rolls over a doorway. ernest leaned over to ben and said,

"hey, that's where god is buried."

ben didn't have the heart to break it to him that south dakota is very far away from jerusalem. but hey, who knows? i mean, we read "the davinci code" and it tries to decipher where mary is buried. maybe ernest is on to something. maybe someday he will publish a book that will lead all those treasure hunters to mt. rushmore. could be worse.




this....



in this???

5 golden years

today is mine & ben's 5 year anniversary. i can't believe it! we always play the game, "where do you think we'll be this time, next year?" our answer last anniversary was DEFINITELY not managing a group home in north carolina. but that is what is fun, to see how far off our predictions are. this year though, we decided to change it up a bit and asked ourselves where we would be in 5 years. we predicted that we would have 3 children, crazy to think caleb would be just about ready to be baptized. i would be 32, ben 33. ben would have his doctorate in psychology and we would be living somewhere in the west. ben says in la jolla, california. so that is just a guess. but i thought for this blog i would put down what has changed for us since the first year we were married.

1) we have 5 more crow's feet (aka "smiley lines") around our eyes
2) our waists have grown 5 inches (not really but they have expanded since we got married)
3) we have 5 times more responsibility in our lives
4) we laugh 5 times louder
5) our testimonies on faith through trials are 5 times stronger
6) we've been to the hospital about 5 thousand times more than we thought we would
7) our bank account has $5 more in it
8) our circle of friends has expanded 5 times over
9) our car is 5 years newer
10) our love is 5 years stronger

i love you ben!!! can't wait for the next 5 years.

grandpa moe

tomorrow is the funeral for my grandpa. i thought it would be nice to post a picture of him, this is the one from his obituary. wish we could be there with our family to celebrate his life, but we will from afar.

our utah trip

okay so here is the deal... we have 2 digital cameras. one is really old. the other is new. the old one is the only one we have the USB cord to, so we are showing pictures from the old camera. not only is the quality not as good, but we are missing a lot of pictures that we took on our trip. once we get a new USB port for our other camera i will post the others.

we had a good time on our trip, enjoyed the snow (& enjoyed getting to leave it there!) & saw a lot of family & friends while we were there. my dad's wedding was very nice & we enjoyed getting to know brenda & her family some more. at the end of the trip, unfortunately, caleb caught the "vomit bug" that had been going around. he started throwing up every 20 minutes on the dot at 5:30 am. the morning we were supposed to leave. so ben had to go ahead & caleb & i followed a few days later...after i got the bug and slept on my mom's bathroom floor. anyway, these pictures show some of the highlights.

favorite new christmas song

i love sarah mclachlan's christmas cd...if you don't have it, GET IT!! this is the song on the CD that is new & an original written by her. it is beautiful and the words are a little sad. for me, it reminds me of loved ones who have passed on. hope you enjoy it.

thanks dora & diego

today in church caleb was coloring & said, "let's count my crayons. uno, doce, tres, quatro, cinco, seis."

WHAT? the kid is suddenly bilingual. good old dora, with her crazy monkey friend and lame map song is actually teaching caleb something. so i guess this is why 'people magazine' name dora the #73 most influential people/cartoons of the year. okay that was a lie. but after today, i'm willing to vote for her. gracias dora. gracias.


my prediction of what caleb will look like in 3 years.

a merry QUESTmas to all...

yesterday morning we celebrated 'quest'tmas for the kids here. "the quest" is the name of our group home. catchy, no? ben & i had gone shopping the night before, we had a low budget, but really did enjoy being able to buy things for them. it was hard to not overspend...okay, it was hard for ME to not overspend. but both of us just felt our hearts turn toward these kids who beneath their tough...and sometimes very annoying exteriors...are really just children of God who want to belong somewhere. especially during christmas. so we had fun wrapping presents & even more fun watching them being unwrapped. then ernest, fantasia & einstein packed their bags & left for a couple of days. carrot top? oh no. he's here with us.


carrot top has named himself the grinch. just add a couple of pounds and some bright red hair and i'd say that picture was pretty accurate.
a possible bright spot. his mom called yesterday to say that she was feeling guilty for not taking him home. so as long as he continues to act appropriately, she decided to pick him up on christmas eve & bring him back on christmas day. IT IS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. but let's not start making any figgy pudding yet. carrot top is notorious for destroying any chance for peace on earth. so we will keep this a secret and say some prayers. god bless us everyone.

farewell to a good man

my brother tyler called me to tell me that my grandpa moe just passed away last night. as sad as it is, it was also a relief because he has been suffering for a long time. he has been living in an assisted living home and has been able to keep his mind alive even as his body slowly failed. we had the opportunity to visit him when we went back to utah and as we left i said to ben that i wished i had taken a picture and now i am kicking myself even more. it was a short visit, he had pneumonia and was not feeling well. so i just talked to him for several minutes and then hugged him, told him we loved him, and said goodbye.

my grandpa always amazed me because he had the ability to make friends with ANYONE. when i was younger, he would take us out to eat at a restaurant and all of the hostesses & waiters knew him by name and called him their 'friend.' he was a kind, soft-spoken man and a good grandpa. he was a lover of music and i could not believe the stories he told me, of playing in a band that accompanied nat king cole & even sitting down with nat king cole and having him teach him one of his songs on the piano. he could play any instrument and even when he was older, would always introduce us to the latest and greatest in the jazz music world. i love you grandpa, and am glad you are feeling better.

this michael buble song is a tribute. i think this is how grandpa felt without my grandma and am glad they are finally together again. we'll miss you, moe town!

the SCIENCE of the lambs

so einstein has already been suspended for the rest of the week, after his FIRST day of school yesterday. why, you ask? because of this situation:

at the end of one of einstein's classes, his teacher held up some sort of plaque to the class to explain something. and this is what einstein said to him.

"that plaque has your last name on it...which means i could find out your first name...which means that i could find out what your address is and your phone number...which means that i could come to your home and find out your habits. when you go to work, when you sleep. then that way i could skin you alive and hang up your skin pelt on my wall."

apparently this high school has a "no tolerance policy" for threats. i mean, come on! that's not creepy AT ALL. they called a meeting this morning to inform us that einstein was not welcome back for the rest of the week. they told ben that it was a bit "silence of the lambs." so here we go again with the suspensions.

anyone want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?

the 4th wise man....

so now there is no room at the inn. we have 4 clients and we are at 'full capacity.' carmella, ben & i often wondered how the house would work with another big...crazy...personality. and now we know. enter who we will call einstein. a 14-yr old boy with a high IQ who loves to spout off big words, such as:

alchemist
metaphor (breaking it down into the greek and latin roots of the words)
hypotenuse
the saying "her IQ is probably the equation of pi"

and that is only the tip of the iceberg. carrying on a conversation with this fella is as difficult as trying to get carrot top's parents to let him come home on christmas day. he also bounces around when he gets anxious or excited, carmella has nicknamed him 'tigger.' one small tender mercy is that einstein and ernest have quickly become BFF's. which is good because they are sharing a room. and because he is now occupying ernest's time so that we do not here "hey ben, hey ben, hey ben" 30,000 times a day. but still, i am asking myself, why do we have another client that i honestly do not see being able to function normally in society one day? where are the kids that just need a temporary place to stay, some teaching interactions, and then will be able to cope with the reality of life? WHERE OH WHERE HAVE THE SANE ONES GONE?

memories...

this blog is more for me than anyone else. you're welcome to read it but you might end up bored!

1) lauren & tyler sleeping in my room on christmas eve, getting teased for always being the first to fall asleep
2) lauren & i sharing a room, playing "what song am i humming" until late at night
3) being in my own room, hearing tyler's little voice through the wall, "will you sing that song one more time please?" because i would always sing myself to sleep
4) driving around on sundays with my dad, looking at enormous houses & sharing a love of architecture
5) my mother's smell
6) laughing so hard i would almost pee my pants with my friend wendy
7) the salt lake children's choir, so afraid to sing solos but kept being 'told' i would sing them (mr. woodward doesn't ASK)
8) sleepovers with cousins & friends...sleeping out on the trampoline...toilet papering whoever we had a crush on
9) holding my grandmother's hand after a mastectomy...she said later she thought i was her guardian angel
10) caroling with my family...dreading it at first...then feeling so warm inside as we visited people who would cry as we sang (was it because we were off tune? i'd like to think not)
12) the infamous steadman family trip in a motorhome through church history sights...the matching t-shirts...the birthday horseshoe
13) moving to fruit heights, being so devastated to leave murray
14) my first combined YM/YW's activity...sledding...thinking, "maybe this move wasn't so bad"
15) driving around in my convertible with friends, listening to music
16) high school graduation day
17) graduation cruise with mom & grandma
18) riding the bus around weber state, getting teased because i couldn't reach the pole to hang on without standing on my tip-tippy toes
19) trip to NYC, lauren, joey...laughing SO hard...getting extremely embarrassing hiccups that refused to go away...new year's eve on times square...the confetti so thick it looked like it was snowing
20) jackson hole, bagel jax, counting crows, casey & some forgettable fellas
21) utah state...mindy & christy & our crazy landlord downstairs...the 'russes'
22) rubbing christy's back while she cried after a break up
23) jackson hole again...kristen, teton steakhouse, the gap, wayne
24) seeing ben at church that first week after both ending our current relationships, realizing that we were each now single
22) our first 'official' date...making spaghetti...feeling so comfortable...overcooking the noodles after saying i was an 'expert'
25) the feeling of nausea while i was on lortab after getting my tonsils out
26) utah state again...christy, tara, lindsay...so many good times...the mouse , "mr. jingles" appearing in the bathroom everytime I had to pee...trapping him in a garbage can w/ tara...getting snowed into our driveway & having a snowball fight...dressing up as a lemon lime for lindsay (who WON, partly i think, because of her awesome mascot)
27) the first time ben kissed me
28) the 'russes' part 2
29) sitting outside overnight in the FREEZING cold with tara for dave matthews tickets during the olympics
30) bear lake cabin adventures with friends...the narcoleptic girl falling over onto the floor w/out a warning...the water being turned off...using water bottles to wash hair & brush teeth, among other things
31) staying up too late talking to ben on the phone...then sleeping in through classes
32) my mother's eyes watching me sadly as i cried during sacrament meeting after breaking up with ben
33) the day ben proposed
34) ben's face on our wedding day
35) our first apartment...in a new place, no job, no friends of my own yet...hanging something new on the walls & making ben figure out what it was when he came home from school
36) our trip to indiana, kentucky, ohio & illinois w/ ginny & grandma alice...the crazy trek through the BIGGEST graveyard i have ever seen...my allergies...the beautiful nauvoo temple...aunt bertha...matching t-shirts AGAIN!!
37) too many rexburg friends to name them all...our fantastic ward...our amazing bishopbric...2 wonderful years
38) our 1st anniversary, ben surprising me with a beautiful diamond wedding band he had been saving up for months to buy
39) making ben play "bula bula" to find the positive pregnancy test...the smile on his face when he realized what it was
40) finding out caleb was a boy
41) caleb's first cry
42) my heart stopping when i heard he only weighed 4 1/2 lbs...crying because i knew something must be wrong
43) mastitis...thinking, 'are you kidding me? i just gave birth and now THIS?"
44) caleb's first smile
45) all of caleb's hospital visits...failure to thrive...meningitis, seizures, digestive problems, getting fitted for special orthopedic shoes
46) being so grateful for the support of family & friends
47) living in spanish fork, so close to the train you could give the conductor a high five
48) the look on caleb's face & the sound coming out of his mouth during his last seizure...the ambulance ride...the blessing from ben & troy
49) playing late night 'call of duty 2' w/ carrie & troy
50) the day caleb took his first independent step...my eyes filling with tears over the past two years of tender mercies
51) moving to north carolina...seeing the house for the first time...two fresh holes in the walls...wondering what we had gotten ourselves into
52) our days off at the beach condo
53) the DC trip with mom
54) holding my sister's hand during my father's wedding...knowing, no matter what, we would always be there for each other
55) the realization that i have lived a blessed life

utah utah utah!!

so we're heading home for a week (this thursday to next thursday) to spend time with family & friends. i can't even TELL YOU how excited we are for this trip!!! we have needed a break...a real break for a while now and after last week...with carrot top. let me just say it took every last bit of patience i had not to go ape crazy on his freckled bum. i am amazed he is still alive and that i still have hair on my head. we can't wait to see everybody!!!!!!!

wanna play?

last night carmella took ernest and fantasia out on an activity. they went to play basketball and carmella asked ernest, "want to play 'horse'?" ernest's reply was "how 'bout we play 'hillbilly' instead." first time i've heard of that one but if anyone would know about it, it'd be ernest.

carrot top's prayer

dinner prayer by carrot top last night,
"dear God, thank you for the people that made this food. help me to get my bleep (he really said bleep) together. amen."

funny....

our good friend troy was helping us out because by scanning in our family picture & emailing it to us. here are some variations on the original that i thought were funny.




everybody always says how much caleb looks like his dad.



ben's wish finally came true...about 6'2" wouldn't you say?

one flew INTO the cuckoo's nest

so yesterday i came walking down the stairs when to my left i heard some frantic fluttering. i looked over to see a small bird had flown through our front door which had been left open accidentally about 5 inches. 

i called for ben and he did his best to summon the small creature....think a male version of mary poppins with a spoon full of sugar but without the awesome purse that holds everything. the bird actually sat on ben's hand for a minute. but the second ben would walk or do anything, the bird would flip out and start ramming into the windows. i was afraid it was about to do some harm to itself. finally the bird caught on to the fact that we were trying to help him, and flew out the open door. 

my dreams of one day owning my own aviary or possibly singing a duet with a bird were shattered.

but it got me thinking...we had a really REALLY bad day with carrot top yesterday. to the point that he did some more property damage and then decided to try to get some negative attention by doing some self-harm. he goes through this cycle every so often of not knowing how to deal with his anger...or boredom...or fear...or whatever it is. 

i thought about this little bird, as ben and i were doing everything we could to get it to safety & freedom, the bird continued to freak out and bash itself into walls and windows. i was soooooo frustrated with carrot top yesterday and couldn't believe the level he will take things just to get negative attention. 

while ben and i and carmella (our AWESOMEST staff member) were standing there, talking softly, reasoning, trying to make him laugh, finally telling him he is sinking his own ship and needs to start bailing himself out, that there is nothing more we could do. and he just kept hitting himself against walls, windows, dressers, couches, you get the idea.

what i'm saying is that i got a little perspective yesterday. that i don't know how much time it will take for carrot top to understand that the front door has been open the whole time and all he needs to do is just stop fighting and start flying. 

maybe he will never understand. maybe it will just take some time, like the bird. 

but whatever he chooses, ben and i will be standing there with our hands open, ready to help.

thankful...

this year thanksgiving is not traditional for us. carrot top is still here, the other two clients have left. ben and i were really hoping that it would just be us, but we understand that this is the life we have chosen for a year so we just take it one day at at time. it doesn't make me any less grateful though, i love this day because it really causes me to sit and think of just how much i have to be thankful for. there have been so many amazing people that have gone in and out of my life and so many that are still involved in my life. i've heard the saying "if you don't have your health, you don't have anything." and i agree with that. but i also think, if i were to come down with a terminal illness tomorrow, how would i get through it? i think with my strong faith in God, and then with the support of those who love me. so this blog is dedicated to my friends and family, i love you so much and am so grateful for all that you have done and continue to do. you have shaped me to be who i am today.

i am grateful for my little family, ben and caleb. these two boys give me so much joy and happiness. i couldn't ask for a better husband than ben. he is patient, kind, freaking hilarious, and a good man. i have the best time with him and am so grateful that we found eachother and are still as in love today as we were 5 years ago. it just keeps getting better with ben and i can't wait to see what our future holds. and little caleb. we have been through a lot with him in his short 2 1/2 years and sometimes when i look at him, my eyes fill up because there was a time...not so long ago...that i did not know how long he would be with us. i was so afraid to love him because i was so afraid to lose him. but i've realized the true lesson that faith and fear cannot co-exist. so i chose faith, and that however long he was granted on this earth, i knew he would not leave unloved. each day with these two guys is a blessing.

i am grateful for my extended family. my parents who have always tried to teach me what is right and did an amazing job being parents. i love you. my brother and sister, as we grow older our relationships just seem to get better. i love you. my in-laws, i love you guys! thank you for being awesome, i feel so lucky to have fantastic in-laws. none of those scary in-law stories. well, just a few, now that we've actually LIVED with some of them. just kidding felt fart family. my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all that comes in between, i am grateful for you and the people that you are.

i am grateful for my friends. some of these fantastic people are so close that they feel like family. they are my elementary school friends, junior high & high school friends, college roommates, friends from rexburg, and now our new friends here in north carolina. ben and i thrive on our relationships with others and we are grateful to have been able to keep in touch with so many of you. you know you have a good friend when you don't see each other for 2 years and you are able to pick up just where you left off.

most of all i am so grateful for my heavenly father and jesus christ. all things that are given to me are direct blessings from heaven. i am so thankful that i have this relationship and will continue to strive to be more like my savior. i am so grateful for the gospel in my life and the light that comes from the truth. it has been so much fun to be out here in the mission field where we are able to introduce others to the gospel.

i hope you all have a fantastic thanksgiving. thank you for being a part of our lives! we love you.

day 3-5

DAY 3:
this was the day for ben & i to go to the conference so we enjoyed attending classes and learning more about the teaching family model which is the model we use in the home. we both learned some really great information and enjoyed the classes we went to. my mom took caleb out again and tried to get into the white house to take a tour but there was a major riot going on this time, some type of racist protest that my mom felt was better to avoid. that night we met up with a favorite girl of mine, my sister lauren's best friend marianne, who is currently living in d.c. we hung out with our awesome supervisor, adia and enjoyed a really good italian meal at a restaurant called "luigi's." yum!





DAY 4:
2nd day of conference, some more good classes. this was the last day of our vacation and we'd felt like it had gone by way too fast. my mom & marianne met up again and took caleb to the lincoln memorial and the weather was beautiful after a couple of cold days.







everyday, we had eaten lunch at this yummy restaurant called "cosi" that ben & i dreamed about opening a franchise in chapel hill just so i could enjoy a tomato, mozzarella and basil pita wrap whenever i want to. makes my mouth water just thinking about it! we checked out early and drove home, stopping along the way for a good old bob evans dinner....minus the love-stricken hostess with the mostess.


DAY 5: my mom left this morning. :( i've loved spending some time with her and it was hard to see her go. back to the old daily grind of being threatened by carrot top, stopping fights between fantasia and ernest and getting unpacked. d.c. is only 4 1/2 hours away and i can't wait to go back!

day 2

DAY 2:
we opt out of the continental breakfast from the HO JO which i am sure consisted of some wrapped up leftovers from out of the dumpsters just to the right of our rooms. ben joked that he bet some used syringes were probably also on the menu. wouldn't surprise me. we check into our 2nd hotel, the capitol hilton which made us feel almost as uncomfortable because it was so beautiful and nice. suddenly WE were the white trash, having valets park our rental car and help the bell hop pack up our unmatching luggage & random target bags full of caleb's stuff onto the luggage carrier. we checked in to our fancy pants room and decided to make the most of the day. unfortunately we had not discussed this with mother nature who had other plans in mind. it was cold, windy and off & on rain while we set out on foot to the white house. we were just blocks away so our location was awesome, but it still was a bit miserable with the weather conditions, but we refused. to let our spirits be dampened. i was blown away by the beautiful architecture and the "feel" of the city. it reminded me of my trip to NYC, where everything just feels more exciting for some reason. just a bit less hollywood and more political. we saw the white house, and enjoyed the picketers that were protesting thanksgiving. they were holding signs that said "meet me don't eat me" which didn't even make sense. who wants to "meet" a turkey? i just felt they could have been a bit more creative but oh well. we went to the washington monument and the museum of natural history. we were pretty tired by about 5:00 and it was cold so we walked back to the hotel.

ready for a day of being tourists.




my mom & i had a girls night where ben had surprised us with tickets for an evening out to the austrian embassy. we dressed up, heard child prodigies play the music of strauss on the piano, ate fancy music and shared a cab with a good-looking drunk couple. the lady sat in the back and was very friendly. it took a turn for the "weird" when she told my mom her voice was very 'melodious.' that was nice, then she continued on, and said it was 'melodious and sensuous.' huh? i teased my mom the rest of the trip about her sensuous voice. we had a fantastic time.




meanwhile, ben and caleb had a "guys night" and ate at burger king. caleb got a crown, which he wore the rest of the night, even in the bathtub. pick your battles.







i love the architecture in this city. the buildings are huge and even though i know the buildings aren't old enough, i can practically see george washington walking out of one.








ben & my mom, the national christmas tree being decorated, the washington monument & the flags surrounding the washington monument.







the white house & the picketers.