the final goodbye....

sorry it's been a while, we've been traveling like fools for the past couple of weeks & anytime we've had a moment to stop we haven't had internet access. much worse than not having a people magazine for a few months is not being able to read about my friends for a few days!! yikes, i got behind. so this will probably be the last posting in this private blog, we will go back to being public once i wrap up the group home life. then i will make this past year into a book & pretend it never happened. just kidding.


but the night before we left, the owners of the company we work for had a little FHE where they handed us a plaque with each of the kids' hand prints & then asked everyone in a circle to go around & talk about a memory of ben & i or something they would miss. let me just preface this by saying....BAWL FEST 2008.

our boss, emily was the first one to talk started off the tears. what she said was very sweet & i knew how sincere she was.


then onto sticky fingers chester who didn't cry at first but ended up crying later.


then the circle went to sweet einstein who didn't cry but said over and over, "i-i'm really going to miss you guys. really. i don't think you know how much." he gave me about 12 hugs before we left.


then to my lovely carmella, who started ME crying & she had to leave the room. she came back to say some of the most endearing compliments that i will never forget. (i love you!)


onto the new family teachers, who were also crying. (part of my tears was shed for them)


then to our newest client, i will call him chris brown, he had only been with us about a week & 1/2 so his good-byes weren't too emotional, but he was still really nice.


and finally...ernest. i never thought i would see a 16-yr. old boy cry with the ugly-cry-face but that's just what he did. with no shame. he bawled his little heart out & apologized "for every mean thang i ever done to ya." i don't think i posted this before but he had been saving up money to buy a house for ben & i so that we would stay. he told us he was up to around $85. that was when ben lost it.


then we were asked to speak to them...are you kidding me? i couldn't do anything but wipe the tears, & just sat by ben while he went around the room & addressed each of them, complimenting them & inspiring them to stay on the right path. and he cried, tears & shaky voice and all.


then it was over.


the next day we were supposed to be moving. supposed to be. however, in an attempt to save a little cashola on our drive out, we chose a sketchy moving company that never showed up. i was pretty close to losing my mind. i told ben we were in the black hole and never getting out. we had to pull things together & get a moving truck out the NEXT day. we slept on the floor, shared the upstairs with the new couple, and worked our buns off to make it out the following morning. what a mess. word to the wise....NEVER ever use Oasis Moving, or Discover Moving. they are shady, shady.

for the beginning part of the road trip, ben & i reminisced about some of our favorite memories while there. there were many moments i will treasure and many moments i learned from. i do feel we are better people because of this past year. definitely better parents. i have seen first hand what happens if you let your 2 yr. old walk all over you...they turn out to be 16, and angry, with no boundaries & throwing tantrums that will make you run & duck for cover.

i also know that the kids that were in our home for the past year knew that we cared about them enough to give them boundaries and rules. the FHE made it evident just how much they knew we loved them.

we will always wonder about them, keep in touch with them, & get on our knees in prayer that they will turn out okay. (that won't stop us from occasionally checking "america's most wanted" to see if chester has blown up anyone)

i will forever be grateful for these experiences of this past year. i am glad we are done, and doubt that i will do it again (never say never...even though, my mind is screaming, "NEVER!"). i feel this year has been another year of "molding" ...into what, i don't know. but i have changed, i am deeper, i am more aware, i am more patient, i am more outspoken (in a good way), and i am more unconditionally loving.

i am a changed person.

good bye, group home.

can i please have a moment...

i know it may not mean the same thing to you as it does to us, but if i could just please get a moment of silence as you look to the right and see that the countdown is changing from DAYS to HOURS. i can't even believe it. it doesn't seem real. it's the moment we've been waiting for for 365 days now.

yesterday was the last day at church. i remember the first sunday, so intimidated as we watched the "old couple" sit with the kids and then have to take one home in the middle of sacrament meeting because one of them had a meltdown. ben and i looked at each other with optimistic, naive grins. and immediately started the countdown.

so today we are going to spend tearing our hair out making sure we have everything taken care of. and we will be enjoying every minute of it.

wishing for...

a cool, refreshing glass of gingerale

someone to do all this work for me.

is it because it's a billion degrees out here in NC & we are supposed to be taking off in 4 days? ....or is it because i'm pregnant?

well, i guess it's all of the above.
HOORAY!

ode to my mom....

amidst all the excitement (well stress, really) of packing up our belongings, i forgot to do a birthday tribute to one of my most favorite people in the world. ms robintino steadman! or bob, as ben calls her.

not only is she one of the most thoughtful and loving people i have ever known, she has been the greatest example and teacher to me in my life. she is a beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside. i am a better mother because of her, i am a better person because of her. there have been so many fun memories and she has blessed me with so many opportunities. i hope i grow up to be just like her. i love you, mom!

best giveaway yet!!

hey there, so this is the best GIVEAWAY YET!! two $25 gift certificates to the really cute warm biscuit store so head on over to lauren's mom blog! (ps-if you feature the giveaway on your blog, then you actually get a 2nd entry into the drawing...as einstein would say, woot!)

...feeling...

lately i have felt a lot of things...excited for ben's schooling, stressed for the move, happy to see family & friends in utah, elated to be our little family again, and most of all... BLESSED.

this year has been difficult, we have been through some of the most trying things that have really tested us to our limits. i had a friend ask me how our marriage made it through. and i told him that we made it through because of ben. he is one of my constant, unshakable blessings. i have never seen a more patient, funny and amazing person. he was perfect for this job & even though we were stressed out a lot, we were blessed to have such a strong foundation in our marriage that even a 16 year old mess of a teenager & 11 year old mess of an almost-teenager could not shake.

i have also been staring at our little boy lately. he is just beautiful and funny and fun and sweet. yes he has a little fire of a temper sometimes (takes after his mom) but he is really a good boy who wants to be good. i pray that quality in him doesn't change. this year of health with him has been a blessing. no seizures, no specialists, no testing, no unanswerable symptoms. he is tiny and energetic and loves to learn. i am blessed to be his mother. (i hear his sweet little voice right now coming up the stairs, calling for me)

and i have been thinking about all of the people who have blessed my life by filling it with love and friendship. there were a couple of times that ben had to have a "chat" with me about how blogging was starting to take over my life but seriously, it became my outlet from this place. and i was able to keep in touch with the people i love and laugh and cry and not feel like i had lost myself here in the group home.

thank you for your comments, emails, phone calls and acceptance. i am blessed to have you in my life.

i feel blessed to live in this country. to have been born with so many privileges and freedoms. i love to celebrate the birth of this blessed land and to think about those who sacrificed their lives and continue to sacrifice their lives to protect and preserve these freedoms.

i'm also really excited for the next chapter in our life....whatever that may bring.....

finding the bEaUtY in...

so it looks like for the next 5 years we will be
trying to find the beauty in.....

this???

not looking forward to so much...
(i am specifying this is a picture of sweat, ben told me the picture didn't make sense. he thought it was "eyeball.")

this???

makes my heart skip beats just looking at the picture....



but this???

now THIS i think i could get used to.

BEN GOT INTO HIS DOCTORATE PROGRAM!!! WE'RE HEADING FOR PHOENIX!! SAY HELLO TO DR. STRADER IN 5 YEARS!!! (because you KNOW he's going to grow a beard & make you call him that)

nErVoUs...

well today has come and gone. today being the day. the day we were supposed to hear back from the phoenix school. and even though it's 10:37pm, i am still sitting by the phone ready to pounce like a cat if the caller i.d. reads anything remotely close to the arizona area code. the board of admissions could still be up deliberating about how AWESOME ben would be as a student there, right?? (i am scared i am wrong...)

as if that's not enough, i got a bill in the mail from a year ago that said i am about to be sent to collections because my insurance isn't covering a doctor's visit when my allergies took on a life of their own last may. wait, let me go to the cupboards and grab my salt. in fact, i'll make it sea salt. here you go. just rub it in the wounds. ahhhhh. stinging. much better. thanks for that today.