my idea of HeAvEn...

is a cool, rainy day, when ALL of the clients are gone (two are home, two are at spring break camp until 5pm), i get to sleep in, play with caleb & hang out with ben. now THAT is a good day! i'm really praying that the extra 5% of tithing i added this month will go toward what i am hoping for...that we can continue this ALL WEEK!

for those that don't know i'm a sarcastic person, i didn't really pay extra tithing. but i have said a few extra prayers and that is the truth.

somebody to love

ben was the one who really got me hooked on this song & i can't get it out of my head. even though freddie mercury had a lot of issues & DEFINITELY needed a paula dean-style meal, a multi-vitamin & possibly some braces, he was amazingly talented. i'm posting the video but really, i don't enjoy watching him sing that much...especially around 1:50 when he starts hopping around in a white unitard--leaving nothing to the imagination. but here it is:



and for the kiddies, the ella enchanted version...which i also really loved. anne hathaway can SING!

a whole crud of autism

today einstein was having a one-sided conversation (his usually are) about the beatles song "hello, goodbye." he starts singing it:

"you say goodbye, and i say hello. hello, hello.....you know, i think the composer of this song must have been autistic. i mean if you think about it, it's only autistic people that can't really understand social etiquette and such (einstein is openly diagnosed with asbergers, which is a form of autism). i mean, the composer is saying 'hello' and can't understand when someone else says 'see ya later,' so they just repeat themselves over and over again without catching on that the person very obviously doesn't want to speak with him. in fact, i think the composer probably has a whole crud of autism."

"a whole crud?" i ask, interrupting his soliloquy.

"well yes. you know crud is an actual word that is defined as the basic functions of a computer database. (news to me, i just thought it was another word for poop) so therefore his database is full of autism."


ummmmm? does anyone want to alert paul mccartney?

some questions about being a private blog...help??

ok so i guess you do need to have a google account in order to be able to continue to view this blog, which is free & easy to sign up with. this invite allows non-gmail people a 30 day temp pass to view it but eventually i guess you have to get an account. i think what i'll do is create an account & password & send it out to family & close friends so they can log in...thanks for the idea, bryn!

ps-i don't know how to change the site feed...i searched through all of the settings & couldn't find it. i don't know if making my blog private automatically takes out the site feed option??? i'm trying to put the site feed back on so that mine will still show up on google reader. does anybody know????

the only person....

we celebrated carmella's b-day tonight...she is the GREATEST!! and here are some reasons why:

she is the only person...

...i would drag a screaming toddler around a party store for, trying to manage a bouquet of balloons at the same time. (obviously i didn't think about the logistics of having to carry him AND the balloons around & through about a thousand doors, let alone the car ride home)

...i would search for weeks on ebay for an autographed 8x10 of matlock

...i would buy a "special edition" version of "the body guard"

...i would strap on a pair of gloves & do room searches with (finding all sorts of nasty & unsanitary paraphernalia)

...i would let be the godmother to caleb :)

...i would allow upstairs when caleb had been vomiting all day & i certainly wasn't looking my best

...who understands when i say the words "i am a changed man. 1/18/08"

...who knows what it means when i sing "raindrops are fallin on my head"

...who likes the combo of from the cheesecake factory of plain cheesecake with a side of peanuts

...who is as obsessed with politics as caleb is with the backyardigans

...who could make me a big fan of gospel music

...who can make up random games with those enormous bouncy balls from target & actually get the clients to have fun while doing it

...who can make me happy when i walk downstairs & see her face! you are the awesomest, thanks for all you do!

going private friday...

so friday is the day i'm going to change my blog over to private. if you're interested in being invited, leave me a comment with your email address please! there are a lot of friends that i know check the blog i haven't heard from yet...anyone have any idea how to leave up a final post without the rest of my blog attached...so that if anyone checks it late can email me?? i've seen it done before and don't know how to do it.

move over mary lou...

so for a month now fantasia earned the ability to go to gymnastics. sounds harmless enough. not so. each week there is some sort of dramatic event that happens. i will write about 2 of them...

week 1: i took fantasia. let me preface this by saying that she is a 5'5" 11 yr. old girl who has an ongoing love affair with her hannah montana fake ponytail. she won't leave home without it. it is one of those obvious fake ones, with hot pink hair mingled with brown. it is long and curly and goes against all desires that i have to NOT stick out in a crowd but...of course...it's her choice. so i tell her before we leave that she should probably take it out but she refuses. whatever.

we get there, i register her & she joins the others in class. they have a loft-type of section you can walk upstairs to look at all of the classes in this enormous gym. i settle in for some high-quality entertainment.

they start with somersaults. i immediately see there will be some issues with the fake ponytail. but fantasia doesn't want people to know it's not real (because hot pink hair looks so natural) so she keeps it in, tucks her chin down & leans down to roll over. as her head hits the mat she starts shrieking...extremely loudly. it echoes throughout the entire gym. she stands up grabbing her head and BFF-the fake ponytail- while continuing to shriek. have i mentioned this girl is dramatic? i roll my eyes and sigh while i start down the stairs. i get to walk across the entire gym, go ask her for her hair & then get to walk back across while holding onto this brown & pink dead rat. the best part is? as i'm walking away, fantasia...who also doesn't want people to know she's in a group home...yells out, "THANKS MOM!" aside from the obvious differences in our colors of skin, she towers above me & we look nothing alike.

week 3:
carmella takes fantastia. it's all fine & good until class is over, when carmella hands fantasia her night-time meds to take. well of course, she can't have people know that she's taking meds so instead of just taking them quickly, she starts to run away from carmella (which she knows she's not supposed to do) with her meds in her hand and a smirk on her face. she runs through the gym....there are still classes going, mind you...and trips over one of the mats, spilling the meds everywhere. then she starts screaming, "HELP! CARMELLA HELP!! HELLLLLPPPP!!" (she had not hurt herself in any way) which again echoes throughout the whole gym. carmella couldn't help but laugh out loud.

i keep trying to convince myself that one day i will be joining the hushed crowds at the 2020 olympics as i watch fantasia do her dismount on the balance beam...pink and brown fake ponytail flying through the air...or i'm sitting down to breakfast one day & there she is on the front of my wheaties box....and chuckling about the beginning of her career. for some reason though, my brain is having a hard time swallowing that possibility.

what do you do when....

you come upstairs at 1:00 am to find your husband still awake...reading...

okay, okay, i talked him into it. he didn't have anything to read & was taking one of the clients to a long therapy appt. he really didn't want to start it but um, yep! he's addicted. and also going to kill me for announcing it to the world. muwah ha ha.

dangers of blogging...

so i started researching 'dangers of blogging' to see what i could find on it. there were a LOT of places that said to never post pictures (especially of your kids) & never get too detailed about your schedule. one lady posted pictures of her kids & ended up finding them on a stranger's blog.

there was also one that talked a lot about being cautious when talking about your work (dooce.com, anyone?) because it can be grounds for firing. and since this group home is our workplace....i started to think that if i were mentally unstable (as all of our kids are) but was smart enough to google search my name, and came across a blog talking about some of the insane stuff i did...

i know that we use code names for the clients but if they read the story, they would know it was about them. a lawsuit is something i can't necessarily afford right now. :) anyway, here are some sites to look at if you want to read yourself:


http://www.slais.ubc.ca/COURSES/libr500/05-06-wt1/www/A_Cho/dangers.htm

http://www.pkmeco.com/cdablog/2005/04/dangers-of-personal-blogging.

http://www.feedforall.com/dangers-blogging.htm

***upcoming post: fantastia goes to gymnastics! prepare yourselves...

happy easter

I know I am not the person who normally posts from benseyleb land, but I wanted to write a little bit about what happened this evening. It was Easter today and probably like most of you we spent a good portion of the day coloring eggs, eating, and hunting for candy. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

As we were rocking tonight before bed, I asked Caleb what he had done today. He spoke about the toys in nursery, the Easter eggs in the yard, and his new favorite toy, the flyswatter. Then I asked him about why we have Easter. He said, “I don’t know dad.” I told him that it was a day that we think about Jesus. He smiled the same smile that he smiles every time we talk about Jesus.

I then asked him “Who is Jesus?”

His response was, "He’s our family.”

Taken back I said, “He is our family, he is our brother.”

Next question I asked him, “What does he look like?”

Answer, “He is big.” “You are right,” I said. He then talked about how we see his pictures at church and in our house.

“Does Jesus love you?”
“Yes!” Caleb yelled.
I tried my best to explain what makes easter so special. I explained that Jesus was hurt and that he died. I tried to get on a 2-year old level. I said that his friends put him in a cave and because he loves us he came back.

Caleb said “Yeah.”
I continued, “Jesus is watching you and loves you. Do heavenly father and Jesus hear us when we pray?”
“No," he answered.
“They do hear us when we pray,” I said.
“Ohhhhh.” Caleb then looked at me and said, “Heavenly Father…I thank a blessings…in a name a Jesus Christ, amen.”
I really didn’t know what to say at that point, but my heart was very full. Caleb just smiled. We said our nightly prayers and I laid him in bed.

I would like to agree with the testimony of a two and a half year old. Jesus is my “big brother”. I hope that I will do all that I can to worship him not only in church, but my home as well. I know with all of my heart that he loves me and hears the prayers that I say in his name. Today I celebrate his victory over sin and death. He watches me, he loves me, and stands with arms wide open to welcome me home. I want to commit this Easter to study his words and do my best to be more like him. To close my thoughts I would like to quote my son, “in a name a Jesus Christ, amen.” Happy Easter and God bless.
-Ben of "Bensey"


“and Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them into babes.” (Matthew 11:25)

highlights from the past 2 days...

(while i'm still thinkin about a couple of different options regarding going private, here's what's been going on at the group home)
-watching einstein talk to the popcorn on the floor at the movie theater concession stand. "hey you! get away from me! don't touch me!" while carmella and i glanced at each other & each took a few steps backwards
-going to see "meet the browns" with the gang...einstein and myself being the only 2 white people in the audience

-the AMAZING 75 degree weather today! sooooo nice, i got a tan line
-riding with the car windows down blasting eric hutchinson (thanks again LJL!)
-the mediterranean salad equipped with roasted lamb, crackers with goat cheese spread and pine nuts with an olive oil & rosemary spice dressing. where did the fine dining come from? the sample section at sam's club.
-being picked up on at sam's club by a father of two. started chatting w/ me while i was wolfing down the lamb....ended with "so after this, would you like to go get some dinner?" nice guy but no thanks what type of man picks up on women when he has his two kids with them anyways? note to self: wear wedding ring out next time (i take it off when i'm working at home because i've lost it a couple of times & i'm paranoid but usually remember to put it on when i go out)
-coming home to ben & a nice cooked meal
-hearing einstein say these exact words,"
"now i'm not sure about the nethermost regions of the amazon rainforest, but here in the known parts of the world the most poisonous arachnid is commonly known as the female black widow."
-making colored eggs, listening to music & otherwise having a pretty pleasant couple of days here in crazy town

protecting our pelts

okay so after much thought & deliberation....we too are going to be making our blog private in a few days. it is a sad day when we have to protect ourselves from the crazies that roam the net but that day has come. and here is why:

1) my friend bryn's comment on my last posting about why she went private...protecting her kids from sick-o's. apparently there has been a TV show about crazy things that can happen.

2) a conversation i had tonight with my co-worker angel. i asked her why she thought it would be a good reason and she said something to the tune of this:

"well, if you think about it, someone comes across your blog, see that you're cute, or your husband is cute, or your children are cute. they can read things about you for months & basically get to know you. they can get your url from your site. then from your url they can fairly easily get your location. if they know your name, city & state, they can find your address. they know what your family & friends look like & what their names are...." (she is saying this totally casually by the way, as my armpits start to perspire & my eyes widen to about the size of golf balls)

and i finished it up by saying,

"the next thing you know, MY SKIN PELT IS HANGING ON THEIR MANTLE!!" (if you are lost about the skin pelt comment, look back into my december blogs & you will read about the reference)

so i am sorry because one of my favorite things to do when i am bored is read random strangers' blogs & then come upon a really clever one & veg out for a while. (not that mine is super fantastic or anything, i just think right now we live in a not-so-normal situation that provides mild entertainment) also it's given a whole new meaning to the 6 degrees theory. i have seen so many of my friends linked to other friends who i know in a totally unconnected way. and i have been able to find my friends through other people.

that said, please please keep in touch! leave a comment w/ your email address if you are interested in being invited to the now private lives of the straders & the crazies. :)

ps-this is the time for the true closet bloggers to come on out and announce themselves!! don't be shy!

IDOL rantings...

disclaimer: if you are one of "those" people that say "if you're not going to do something about it then you can't complain about it," do not read this. unfortunately i am one of "those" people & realize that by posting this i am a disgrace to myself. that being said...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? kristy lee cook made the top 10?? the girl who sounds like, and i quote our new friend joshua, "a dog on crack with two puppies." or in simpler terms, one of the chippettes (female chipmunks for the young crowd who wasn't around during those cartoons) gone country. and not pure country. bad country. the type of country who can't even sing the correct chorus for a beatles song. she massacred "you've got to hide your love away" and the sad thing was, it was her best performance so far! what is happening to the voters in america? are they plugging their ears and just looking at pretty faces & pearly whites as they dial their phones? a lesson to those of you (me & ben) who don't vote but complain about it...this is what will happen. soon kristy lee cook will rule the country & we will all be sucking helium & twanging our voices to imitate our fearless sparkly leader. dramatic, yes. but good grief.

mascara & an all-american addiction

the mascara i wrote about in last post:


trish mcevoy's mascara found in nordstrom, price (take a deep breath & sit down) a whopping $28. i KNOW! even on ebay, the starting bid is $20 plus shipping. after this one indulgent tube i will go back to my all-time favorite:



loreal voluminous mascara, price (prepare to be able to spend the rest of your hard-earned money on things of a more substantial nature) around $6 at walmart.

so there you have it. and now it is time to speak of another weakness of mine. this is something that has only been going on for about 6 months now but it has climbed up to such an extensive amount of obsessive thoughts that i think it could possibly be time for an intervention. i consider this item during every meal time...breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack time, 3 am. you name it. if my stomach is speaking to my brain & they are having a conversation about food & the need for it, my thoughts immediately turn to this one thing....drum roll please....bring on the shame spiral...



that's right, the all-american corn dog. those who know me well know that before this job i averaged like maybe 1 hot dog a year and NEVER a corn dog. and that is only if there is NOTHING else to eat. the thought of corn dogs used to make me gag. i don't know what spirit has entered my body & taken over my will to fight the over-processed piece of fried meat but i am considering calling a priest to come and do an exorcism to free me of this that holds me bound.

i am almost positive that if this obsession had never started, i would probably weigh about 10 lbs. less than i do. but apparently step 1 is admitting so here i am. basically i am sitting here emotionally naked on the internet holding on to a corn dog with a ketchup & mustard mustache smeared around my mouth. if anyone else has this problem (which i'm sure you do not because most of my acquaintances have a more refined palate when it comes to food) then i would be happy to start a support group. just putting that out there. signing off now, it's time for lunch. yummmmmmm.

rAnDoM sTuFf...

1) why is everyone going private on their blogs? i'm not criticizing, just wondering what has happened to make them feel that way. my mind can only come up with a couple of legitimate reasons and if they are the actual reasons my friends are going private then this world is a sicker place than i thought. and i live in durham (like #3 capitol crime city or something...we live in a really nice area though. do not be alarmed. but heck, we live WITH the criminals. how's that.)
2) that makeover lady was beastly but i have to tell ya....this mascara is worth every penny lauren spent on it to buy it for me. :) the stuff is basically indestructible. and wax-free. doesn't get any better than knowing you're NOT putting tar near your eyeballs.
3) speaking of eyeballs...how is it again that lauren didn't go blind when she accidentally used my face toner as eye make-up remover? when i am washing my face with it, if i get it within inches from my eyes they tear up. lauren straight up smeared it across her peepers with a cotton ball.

4) we are getting a new client to replace carrot top soon. sigh. this type of stuff, after reading the kid's file only embraces the anxiety i already feel living in this home. and the sad thing is, he was the most mild out of all the picks.
5) when did caleb grow into 2T clothes? this is truly a milestone. i thought he was going to have to get the tux for his wedding special-ordered in 18-24 mos. size. seriously, he turns 3 in may. halleluyer!
6) allergies flaring up...in march? come ON. it's going to be a loooooonnng allergy season.
7) how is easter in march this year? who decides these things? can i have a say?

a couple of shout-outs

over the weekend we missed a couple of important birthdays:

#1-my fantastic mother-in-law ginny. she is in israel right now getting to visit all of the amazing & historical places there. great way to celebrate your 29th! thanks for being such a loving & kind person. you are a true example to me. happy birthday, love ya!




#2-miss andrea. there are so many things i love about this girl & anyone who is lucky enough to be friends with her knows what i'm talking about. wish we could have been there to celebrate with you, but we hope our birthday song was enough to last you until next year. happy birthday to one of my very best friends! or my only true best friend...if you're still on vicodin :)

weekend photos

we had SUCH a great weekend with lauren visiting! we went to the beach condo on topsail island. the weather was fantastic, the food was great and the naps were exceptional. i loved spending time with my sister & was so sad to see her go. some highlights:
1) taking pictures on the beach...doing leaps, jumps & ninja kicks
2) staying up LATE watching crazy shows like "the omen 2"...whatever ben, there was no scene with a kid under the ice
3) watching "dan in real life" LOVED IT
4) watching "august rush" hmmmm. a bit unbelievable, robin williams is a nutjob. but hip hip hooray for felicity!
5) the visit from carmella, going to dinner & chowing down on fried food. diet starts back up tomorrow, right ladies?
6) the CrAzY lightning storm saturday night, driving through flooded streets
7) having to reach down between a strange woman's legs to get lauren's dropped $20 bill
8) california speed, laughing so hard i had to take an emergency trip to el bano.
9) lauren with the oranges down her shirt. don't ask.
10) getting makeovers today, the beastly lady who did them. national consultant my rear.
11) getting to spend 5 days with my sister! i love ya!

what a mighty good man

as we're getting ready to go to the beach condo this morning, ben & i were searching for the email we had received in october with the code to the door of the condo. we can't find it, so i say:

"well let's just call emily (our boss) to get the code."

ben says:

"no, i think i can remember it." (keep in mind the last time we used this code was in OCTOBER)

i say:

"ben, you're dyslexic."

ben says:

"i think i could figure it out."

maybe not everyone will think this is funny but to me it is. and here is why. people always joke about how men don't want to stop to ask for directions. my husband is the same way. he would rather drive around looking for a coffee shop that has the internet, get on google earth, find the location, and lead us there himself. so this morning, while i'm talking about making a 2 minute phone call to find the code, ben feels it would be more practical to stand outside for what could potentially be hours for him to "figure it out." there are so many things i love about this man, and this one made me laugh pretty hard this morning. what a man, what a man.

what has hApPeNeD to me???

so i'm driving along to go visiting teaching & realize i'm singing at the top of my lungs to "with you" by chris brown. then i stop & think, how in the world do i know the lyrics to this song?? i also realize i'm truly enjoying myself & the music. what has happened to the folk-y, alternative, guitar-singing lynsey? who am i? i felt like i was in an episode of the twilight zone.

to my brosef

another late one, my brother tyler celebrated his 25th on saturday. i've always had a special place in my heart for this guy & when i think about memories with him, a smile immediately spreads across my face. sometimes i outright laugh.




tyler has always been someone who has strived to be an individual. to not fit into the "norm" of society & not let "the man" get him down. because of this, tyler was a born leader...but not the type that know it. he probably still doesn't know it but those around him see how people flock to him just to be around him, do what he's doing. he has a magnetic personality and is always just the "cool guy" hanging out in the background. i love him because he is not afraid to be himself.

he is also an amazing musician. self-taught on the guitar, keyboards, drums, you name it. he has been in several bands...his latest "the gorgeous hussies." i am amazed when i hear the music he has written & whenever i see him play.

ty...aka t-texas, t-gel, t-cup, t-zone, tizzy, t-bone (the list goes on)...is someone i am proud to call my brother. here are some good times/memories:

1) "here comes the cocoa puff train!"
2) your rooster hair when you would wake up as a boy
3) brave star! i remember jumping up and down on our beds singing the theme song at the top of our lungs in boise.
4) your ability to climb ANYTHING...even if it meant climbing up into a catholic cathedral so that your sister's choir could perform at their concert
5) hearing your cute little squeaky voice through my wall asking me to sing "castle on a cloud" to you again
6) being voted "boyfriend of the year" in 5th grade. the ladies always loved you!
7) your kindness to a new random kid every day...we'd look out into the backyard and it would always be a surprise to see who you were playing soccer with
8) your athletic ability, everything seemed to come so easily & effortlessly for you
9) your sense of humor...we have the same laugh when we get tired. like a drunk chipmunk. there have been so many times where we have both been bawling & laughing at the same time. then we would stop, then look at each other, then start all over again.
10) jackson hole memories, you working the early shift & falling asleep on the bagel toaster. i'm still amazed the mix of your drool & the electricity didn't shock you awake.
11) listening to you play the guitar
12) "love ya ty, love ya group!"
13) going for drives with you, listening to "anna begins" and talking about life. i have always been able to have deep conversations with you & i love it.
14) going on random campouts
15) when you got billy corbin's face put on your retainer & mom thought it was president hunter
16) that night up at bear lake when you & ben stayed up until 5 am talking. you have no idea how happy i was that you two got along so well. now i'm pretty sure you like him more than you like me! :)

17) dancing with you at my wedding
18) your wedding ceremony at the temple, watching you & kirsten & being so happy for you two
19) when you came around the corner for the last leg of the marathon, you called to me & asked where ben & allison were. you found out they were behind you & instead of finishing first, you waited for almost 10 minutes for them so that you could cross the finish line together. makes my eyes tear up right now just thinking about that moment. may not have been a big deal for you, but it was for everyone else to see.

20) your sweetness with all your nieces & nephews. you have such a soft & kind spirit.
21) being willing to quit your job over cutting your hair & getting $100 cash. stick it to the man!
22) hanging out with you until the wee hours when we lived in mom & dad's basement.
23) little toot & wodger podger
24) sleeping in my room when you got scared, i loved that you felt safe with me.
25) i couldn't resist....the family trip to canada, when we were sitting up late playing cards in the lodge & you um...broke wind several times in public & then tried to blame it on me. everyone knows it was you!!

i love your buns tyler! i can't imagine my life without you in it. happy 25th birthday!!!

.....for they shall obtain mercy....

so i promised myself last sunday that i would post about the amazing lesson in relief society that was given on mercy. we had such a fantastic discussion about it & made me think more deeply about the responsibility we have, as human beings, to be merciful. (i think it's going to be lengthy just to prepare you)

there have been many times in my life when i have needed mercy. when i have been late for work...not turned in a homework assignment...too quick to judge another person...unnecessarily angry...too quick to criticize...the list could go on and on. and when i have asked for this mercy, when someone has granted it, a small part of me has been changed. because i have felt that possibility of rejection or the word "no" or the chance that i may not be forgiven. but when instead, i am faced with the mercy from another person when i probably don't deserve it, it causes me to want to do the same for someone else.

right now, particularly in this job, my role has changed. i am not the one asking for mercy, i am the one who is required to be merciful. when one of the kids calls me a horrible name, or threatens the life of my husband or my child. when the furniture is turned upside down & screams are heard throughout the household or when the police have to be called. i have realized that i have a choice. i can allow the "natural man" to take over & let a little piece of my heart become stone. i can close off & justify it by saying "they were given their chance." or i can show mercy...forgive...and teach.

i think about the story of the adulterous woman who knelt at jesus' feet. obviously jesus didn't condone adultery. but the woman had asked for mercy & forgiveness & it was granted to her. and then, afterward, jesus taught the pharisees. through the teaching, the hope is that there will be a change.

as humans we are so quick to "justify" ourselves. "well she said this about me and so i was justified in saying this about her." "well that man made a mistake and so i was justified in being angry & telling him off." i know i've felt this way so many times. but what gives us the right to be the justifier? isn't that supposed to be god's job? we live in a world where lawsuits are a norm. where divorces are messy. where you teach people how to treat you. but what are we teaching them? eye for an eye?

so what is the difference between "justice" and "mercy"? that is a question that has been going through my mind since sunday. i haven't come up with a great answer yet. but i do believe this: to ask for mercy & then to grant mercy requires both people to have humility. the first being humble enough to ask for forgiveness. the second to be humble enough to put their pride or hurt feelings or offenses to the side and forgive...many times instead of seeking justice. another difference i see: with mercy there is always love involved.

so when is enough...enough? during the lesson i kept seeing carrot top's face floating in front of me & i had to question my intentions for the decision that he needed to leave the home (it was a group decision). was it because i needed a break? because we all needed a break? was it because i thought we couldn't help him anymore? or was it really because i wanted him to face justice? to finally face consequences for his actions?

i write about these experiences we go through here & try to make them light & funny. because at the end of the day that is what you have to do in order to get up in the morning & deal with the kids again. but the truth of it is, carrot top made this house hell. you never knew when he would get upset & most of the time...it was over nothing. then you would talk sweetly, try to coerce, try to be funny, try to distract, try to ignore, try to teach. and the whole time his actions are the equivalent of spitting in your face. much of the time i was locked upstairs with caleb. poor ben had to deal with him. since carrot top has been gone, it is like this huge dark cloud has been lifted & all of us can breathe again. that isn't to say that the other kids don't have problems...just in comparison to him, their issues are like a nice bowl of icecream.

but then...we read carrot top's file again. we know he comes from a long history of abuse and mental illness. things you only read about in disturbing books or see on the lifetime channel. i can't go into more details but even after all of these months of living with this nightmare of a 16-yr old, my eyes fill up with tears when i think of what he has been through. because i knew somewhere deep down is a scared little boy who grew up in unimaginable circumstances. i look at caleb and think "what if someone were doing that to him?" the thought makes me literally sick to my stomach. and i know that right now, what carrot top needs is mercy.

"blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." matt. 5:7. doesn't this mean that at the end of it all, when we are at the judgement bar, or the pearly gates (or whatever you may believe) that what mercy we have shown while here in this life, we will be shown when it is most important?

i do not know what will happen to him. i do know that it is no longer in our hands. but carrot top has been the one who has brought me to my knees on so many occasions this year, begging my heavenly father to soften my heart so that i can be merciful just once more. and that to me is what is at the heart of mercy. humility. forgiveness. and above all, love. to see someone as god sees them. i have not been perfect in this, not even close. but i have been taught. and more importantly, i have changed. even dealing with my own child. and i hope that at the end of it all, i will be more merciful.

apology

addendum to a former post:

dear government,

got my tax return a few days ago. stop. apologize for being so ungrateful. stop. not that the extra $1500 from EIC wouldn't have been appreciated, but still. stop. grateful to live in america. stop. will do my best to not complain, jan. '09. stop. same time, same place, next year, it's a date. stop.

-lynsey

apples and doo doo

when talking about her peer who "stinks up the bafroom" fantasia put in her two cents about what smell we should choose for bathroom spray. here is another fantastic fantasia quote:

"lemme tell you what the WORST mix is. do NOT be buyin' no apple spray. because we all know dat apples and doo doo do NOT mix."

leave your dignity at home

if i had to make a list of the embarrassing moments we have encountered since taking this job the post would take about 20 minutes to read. we have learned some very important lessons while dealing with these group home chilluns:

1)
situation: when an 11 yr old girl starts molesting a mannequin at the mall outside of the hollister store (wannabe abercrombie), rubbing his abs and chest (he was dressed in a swimsuit) and....talking to him..."that's right, you BETTA NOT talk back to me. you KNOW when you supposed to be QUIET. that's a MAN right THERE, yes it IS." (the mannequin had no head)
advice: just keep walking.
2)
situation: when that same 11 yr. old girl is listening to some music at the music store & begins to do this nasty bump & grind booty shake/pelvic thrust move while singing loudly with her headphones on.
advice: make eye contact from a distance, mouth the word "NO" and quickly walk away from her.
3)
situation:
when a 6'0" 240 lb. redhead screams at the top of his lungs on a saturday in walmart "I HATE YOU!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!" all over wanting a different flavor of chimichanga.
advice: put the opposite flavor of chimichanga that he wants in the cart and smile sweetly. slowly roll the cart away.
4)
situation:
when a shoulder-length auburn haired boy starts flipping out during a sam's club trip because of overstimulation & climbs into a BOX (not necessarily one meant for humans) & curls up plugging his ears. and yes people are looking.
advice:
do not disturb him, it will only make the situation worse. wait patiently around the corner until he comes out.

5)
situation:
while on a swimming outing to the YMCA the 11 yr. old girl starts shrieking & flailing around because she doesn't know how to swim. causing a huge scene, acts like she is drowning or having a huge seizure. this is in the shallow end mind you. people are staring at you like, "is that your child? what is the matter with her? what's the matter with you?" (poor carmella)
advice:
pretend you don't know her.
6)
situation:
while on another outing to the YMCA, the auburn haired boy is running around the track at full-blown speed (like he was being chased by a car) & as he runs by a stranger, leans over & blasts out a scream in her face that could have potentially broken all of the windows if there had been any.
advice:
after he runs by the shocked girl whose eyes are as big as headlights, say to her, "i'm really sorry, he is mentally handicapped."
7)
situation:
ernest has decided to not take his meds. this is not good. you have taken him to therapy & know he is not in a "good place." when you pull up, he grabs his backpack & takes off running to the near-by burger king. you follow him. once you enter the store he starts yelling to a full house, "I DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN!! SHE IS A CHILD MOLESTER!! SHE'S BEEN FOLLOWING ME FOR 3 WEEKS!" and bolts out of burger king, leaving you standing there to face the onlookers.
advice:
stay calm, give a little shrug & a smile, & exit without saying a word. leave the mystery alive.
8)
the most important piece of advice:
NEVER, EVER, EVER REACT. you are just setting yourself up for a very long day/evening/hour/10 minutes.

better late than never

ok so obviously from this video caleb is not necessarily living up to those "prodigy" standards we spoke of on the earlier post. this was not his best moment with the "on pitch" part but i put it on anyway for lauren. it's the thought, right? hopefully the next one will live up to all of the hype!

hey sista, soul sista

today is my loveliest sister lauren's birthday. the little lady is turning a whopping 29. i wish i had a scanner to put on some old fashioned L & L picks but i don't so the new & improved L & L will have to do.

being born 15 mos. apart had its challenges when we were younger. we both have scars from our fights...though mine are more prevalent. :) but when things were good between us, we had the BEST time together. sharing clothes, talking late in the night about boys, singing together, playing the piano together...and most of all, LAUGHING.

now that we are older it is so fantastic to have her to call when i'm just having one of those "i miss my sister" moments. she has brought be back from the brink many times, more than she even knows. she is such a wonderful person & i can't IMAGINE her not in my life. i love you, lorena, lorlene, dolly vardon, chubbiest of chubs, granny gochin!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

here are 29 things i love about lauren/memories:
1) when you played barber & cut my bangs so i looked awkward just in time for those halloween pictures dressed up as a strawberry.
2) listening to FM 100 together & singing all the songs....dedicating "the wind beneath my wings" to you on the radio & being so excited when it came on. then you dedicated "right here waiting" to me. (we were like 8 & 9 weren't we?)
3) playing "let your minds....go...BLANK" for hours at night
4) singing "at governor's plaza" over & over & over & over & over
5) jolene's....knows what value means
6) indulging your sister when she spoke like a botard. shtop it.
7) going on family vacations & you would ALWAYS get hit on by random boys. lawrence, anyone?
8) playing california speed
9) everytime we went to disneyland, you had the place memorized. if we ever were searching for a specific ride we would just turn to our little map lady & you would lead us directly to it.
10) having to listen to disney CD's in the car...that main street parade song drove me crazy!!!
11) letting me drive the car when i wasn't supposed to
12) that day we sluffed together, went to the mall & watched "bed of roses" (sorry mom)
13) you being so awesome to drive by my luva's house everytime...even when you were soooo annoyed
14) random toilet papering/newspaper shredding/traffic signs on crushes' lawns
15) driving around creepy neighborhoods until late at night & getting ourselves freaked out
16) telling each other our deep dark secrets late at night
17) lo how a rose & the power of two.
18) your intelligence
19) doing a debate tournie w/ you. i would make you write out what i was supposed to say word for word. you were so patient with me!
20) the california trip with casey....the flat tire, the argument in las vegas, rockin out to good music & feeling like we were so grown up b/c we didn't have any adults with us
21) indigo girls...singing together..going to the concert & joking about how everybody probably thought we were batting for the "other" team instead of being sisters
22) all the boys. too many to name until we finally found our B's.
23) being the first person to find out you were engaged!!!!!!
23) attacking bridezilla. "THAT'S IT!" doing your hair for your wedding & thinking there was never anyone more beautiful.
24) watching you become a mother, driving down from idaho & getting there after midnight to meet my sweet little nephew. 3 kids later, you have continued to be such an example to me of what a good mother is.
25) chopsticks around the world
26) being the only one who really understands our crazy family
27) having girls time...driving with the windows down, going shopping, eating desserts, letting me talk & vent until i had gotten it all out
28) your unending support with caleb issues, money issues, crazy kid issues, family issues. i just love talking to you.
29) being my best friend in only the way a sister could be!!! i love you so much!! have a great day!

ps-i called the code

a sucker for marketing

so the other day i went to the store to buy some conditioner. as i was walking down the aisles i noticed that i definitely am a sucker for marketing. i ended up walking away with a conditioner called "glistening perfection." i mean who wouldn't want to hear comments as you walk by, "wow that girl's hair is basically just glistening perfection." in my mind i know that this is just another step on the ladder up to that fantastic pantene pro-v hairstyle that i am destined to achieve.

i used the conditioner. and let me tell you, i did actually notice the extra hint of the glisten. of course that could just be the placebo of the marketing scheme. but at least for today, it worked on this girl.

feelin' that holy spirit

highlights from church today:

-on the way there, fantasia informed us:
"mormons don't feel the holy spirit. how can you be feeling the holy spirit when you be singing like, la la la (softly sings)? now baptists. they be FEELIN' that holy spirit! it scared me a little. they be all cryin' and faintin' and stuff. now THAT's the holy spirit. you mormons don't know what you're doin."
-playing punchbuggy (slug-bug) on the way, ben was schooling us. then fantasia called out, "well, i'd be gettin' those too except ben's big HEAD is in the WAY."
-caleb called the little boy in front of us "poopoo diaper baby." and not quietly either. the little boy dropped his cup and as caleb handed it back to him yelled, "there you go poopoo diaper baby!!"
-one of our favorite missionaries, elder carson, left on tuesday. as soon as sacrament was over fantasia said (again, LOUDLY) "let's go find that new elder. an' he better be FINE TOO! we don't need no UGLY missionary. he better be cute. then we'd be havin two FINE elders up in here."
-when we were asking ernest tonight why he didn't go to church today he said he was too tired. fantasia's response:
"i mean, i was tired too. really tired. but i woke up and thought i'm gonna GET me some jesus today."
-the best for last...the AWESOME lesson in relief society on mercy. i will be blogging about that later. but wow it was awesome. singing loudly or not, i was feelin' that holy spirit today.


on a separate note, i just thought this was a funny picture. so i thought i'd put it on. really not much to do with the posting. and yes that is the pope. the picture was titled "holy roller."