.....for they shall obtain mercy....

so i promised myself last sunday that i would post about the amazing lesson in relief society that was given on mercy. we had such a fantastic discussion about it & made me think more deeply about the responsibility we have, as human beings, to be merciful. (i think it's going to be lengthy just to prepare you)

there have been many times in my life when i have needed mercy. when i have been late for work...not turned in a homework assignment...too quick to judge another person...unnecessarily angry...too quick to criticize...the list could go on and on. and when i have asked for this mercy, when someone has granted it, a small part of me has been changed. because i have felt that possibility of rejection or the word "no" or the chance that i may not be forgiven. but when instead, i am faced with the mercy from another person when i probably don't deserve it, it causes me to want to do the same for someone else.

right now, particularly in this job, my role has changed. i am not the one asking for mercy, i am the one who is required to be merciful. when one of the kids calls me a horrible name, or threatens the life of my husband or my child. when the furniture is turned upside down & screams are heard throughout the household or when the police have to be called. i have realized that i have a choice. i can allow the "natural man" to take over & let a little piece of my heart become stone. i can close off & justify it by saying "they were given their chance." or i can show mercy...forgive...and teach.

i think about the story of the adulterous woman who knelt at jesus' feet. obviously jesus didn't condone adultery. but the woman had asked for mercy & forgiveness & it was granted to her. and then, afterward, jesus taught the pharisees. through the teaching, the hope is that there will be a change.

as humans we are so quick to "justify" ourselves. "well she said this about me and so i was justified in saying this about her." "well that man made a mistake and so i was justified in being angry & telling him off." i know i've felt this way so many times. but what gives us the right to be the justifier? isn't that supposed to be god's job? we live in a world where lawsuits are a norm. where divorces are messy. where you teach people how to treat you. but what are we teaching them? eye for an eye?

so what is the difference between "justice" and "mercy"? that is a question that has been going through my mind since sunday. i haven't come up with a great answer yet. but i do believe this: to ask for mercy & then to grant mercy requires both people to have humility. the first being humble enough to ask for forgiveness. the second to be humble enough to put their pride or hurt feelings or offenses to the side and forgive...many times instead of seeking justice. another difference i see: with mercy there is always love involved.

so when is enough...enough? during the lesson i kept seeing carrot top's face floating in front of me & i had to question my intentions for the decision that he needed to leave the home (it was a group decision). was it because i needed a break? because we all needed a break? was it because i thought we couldn't help him anymore? or was it really because i wanted him to face justice? to finally face consequences for his actions?

i write about these experiences we go through here & try to make them light & funny. because at the end of the day that is what you have to do in order to get up in the morning & deal with the kids again. but the truth of it is, carrot top made this house hell. you never knew when he would get upset & most of the time...it was over nothing. then you would talk sweetly, try to coerce, try to be funny, try to distract, try to ignore, try to teach. and the whole time his actions are the equivalent of spitting in your face. much of the time i was locked upstairs with caleb. poor ben had to deal with him. since carrot top has been gone, it is like this huge dark cloud has been lifted & all of us can breathe again. that isn't to say that the other kids don't have problems...just in comparison to him, their issues are like a nice bowl of icecream.

but then...we read carrot top's file again. we know he comes from a long history of abuse and mental illness. things you only read about in disturbing books or see on the lifetime channel. i can't go into more details but even after all of these months of living with this nightmare of a 16-yr old, my eyes fill up with tears when i think of what he has been through. because i knew somewhere deep down is a scared little boy who grew up in unimaginable circumstances. i look at caleb and think "what if someone were doing that to him?" the thought makes me literally sick to my stomach. and i know that right now, what carrot top needs is mercy.

"blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." matt. 5:7. doesn't this mean that at the end of it all, when we are at the judgement bar, or the pearly gates (or whatever you may believe) that what mercy we have shown while here in this life, we will be shown when it is most important?

i do not know what will happen to him. i do know that it is no longer in our hands. but carrot top has been the one who has brought me to my knees on so many occasions this year, begging my heavenly father to soften my heart so that i can be merciful just once more. and that to me is what is at the heart of mercy. humility. forgiveness. and above all, love. to see someone as god sees them. i have not been perfect in this, not even close. but i have been taught. and more importantly, i have changed. even dealing with my own child. and i hope that at the end of it all, i will be more merciful.