where god is buried

so it turns out that ernest, among other things, is a new testament scholar. while watching the new "national treasure 2", the characters are trapped in a cave in mt. rushmore after a round stone rolls over a doorway. ernest leaned over to ben and said,

"hey, that's where god is buried."

ben didn't have the heart to break it to him that south dakota is very far away from jerusalem. but hey, who knows? i mean, we read "the davinci code" and it tries to decipher where mary is buried. maybe ernest is on to something. maybe someday he will publish a book that will lead all those treasure hunters to mt. rushmore. could be worse.




this....



in this???

5 golden years

today is mine & ben's 5 year anniversary. i can't believe it! we always play the game, "where do you think we'll be this time, next year?" our answer last anniversary was DEFINITELY not managing a group home in north carolina. but that is what is fun, to see how far off our predictions are. this year though, we decided to change it up a bit and asked ourselves where we would be in 5 years. we predicted that we would have 3 children, crazy to think caleb would be just about ready to be baptized. i would be 32, ben 33. ben would have his doctorate in psychology and we would be living somewhere in the west. ben says in la jolla, california. so that is just a guess. but i thought for this blog i would put down what has changed for us since the first year we were married.

1) we have 5 more crow's feet (aka "smiley lines") around our eyes
2) our waists have grown 5 inches (not really but they have expanded since we got married)
3) we have 5 times more responsibility in our lives
4) we laugh 5 times louder
5) our testimonies on faith through trials are 5 times stronger
6) we've been to the hospital about 5 thousand times more than we thought we would
7) our bank account has $5 more in it
8) our circle of friends has expanded 5 times over
9) our car is 5 years newer
10) our love is 5 years stronger

i love you ben!!! can't wait for the next 5 years.

grandpa moe

tomorrow is the funeral for my grandpa. i thought it would be nice to post a picture of him, this is the one from his obituary. wish we could be there with our family to celebrate his life, but we will from afar.

our utah trip

okay so here is the deal... we have 2 digital cameras. one is really old. the other is new. the old one is the only one we have the USB cord to, so we are showing pictures from the old camera. not only is the quality not as good, but we are missing a lot of pictures that we took on our trip. once we get a new USB port for our other camera i will post the others.

we had a good time on our trip, enjoyed the snow (& enjoyed getting to leave it there!) & saw a lot of family & friends while we were there. my dad's wedding was very nice & we enjoyed getting to know brenda & her family some more. at the end of the trip, unfortunately, caleb caught the "vomit bug" that had been going around. he started throwing up every 20 minutes on the dot at 5:30 am. the morning we were supposed to leave. so ben had to go ahead & caleb & i followed a few days later...after i got the bug and slept on my mom's bathroom floor. anyway, these pictures show some of the highlights.

favorite new christmas song

i love sarah mclachlan's christmas cd...if you don't have it, GET IT!! this is the song on the CD that is new & an original written by her. it is beautiful and the words are a little sad. for me, it reminds me of loved ones who have passed on. hope you enjoy it.

thanks dora & diego

today in church caleb was coloring & said, "let's count my crayons. uno, doce, tres, quatro, cinco, seis."

WHAT? the kid is suddenly bilingual. good old dora, with her crazy monkey friend and lame map song is actually teaching caleb something. so i guess this is why 'people magazine' name dora the #73 most influential people/cartoons of the year. okay that was a lie. but after today, i'm willing to vote for her. gracias dora. gracias.


my prediction of what caleb will look like in 3 years.

a merry QUESTmas to all...

yesterday morning we celebrated 'quest'tmas for the kids here. "the quest" is the name of our group home. catchy, no? ben & i had gone shopping the night before, we had a low budget, but really did enjoy being able to buy things for them. it was hard to not overspend...okay, it was hard for ME to not overspend. but both of us just felt our hearts turn toward these kids who beneath their tough...and sometimes very annoying exteriors...are really just children of God who want to belong somewhere. especially during christmas. so we had fun wrapping presents & even more fun watching them being unwrapped. then ernest, fantasia & einstein packed their bags & left for a couple of days. carrot top? oh no. he's here with us.


carrot top has named himself the grinch. just add a couple of pounds and some bright red hair and i'd say that picture was pretty accurate.
a possible bright spot. his mom called yesterday to say that she was feeling guilty for not taking him home. so as long as he continues to act appropriately, she decided to pick him up on christmas eve & bring him back on christmas day. IT IS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. but let's not start making any figgy pudding yet. carrot top is notorious for destroying any chance for peace on earth. so we will keep this a secret and say some prayers. god bless us everyone.

farewell to a good man

my brother tyler called me to tell me that my grandpa moe just passed away last night. as sad as it is, it was also a relief because he has been suffering for a long time. he has been living in an assisted living home and has been able to keep his mind alive even as his body slowly failed. we had the opportunity to visit him when we went back to utah and as we left i said to ben that i wished i had taken a picture and now i am kicking myself even more. it was a short visit, he had pneumonia and was not feeling well. so i just talked to him for several minutes and then hugged him, told him we loved him, and said goodbye.

my grandpa always amazed me because he had the ability to make friends with ANYONE. when i was younger, he would take us out to eat at a restaurant and all of the hostesses & waiters knew him by name and called him their 'friend.' he was a kind, soft-spoken man and a good grandpa. he was a lover of music and i could not believe the stories he told me, of playing in a band that accompanied nat king cole & even sitting down with nat king cole and having him teach him one of his songs on the piano. he could play any instrument and even when he was older, would always introduce us to the latest and greatest in the jazz music world. i love you grandpa, and am glad you are feeling better.

this michael buble song is a tribute. i think this is how grandpa felt without my grandma and am glad they are finally together again. we'll miss you, moe town!

the SCIENCE of the lambs

so einstein has already been suspended for the rest of the week, after his FIRST day of school yesterday. why, you ask? because of this situation:

at the end of one of einstein's classes, his teacher held up some sort of plaque to the class to explain something. and this is what einstein said to him.

"that plaque has your last name on it...which means i could find out your first name...which means that i could find out what your address is and your phone number...which means that i could come to your home and find out your habits. when you go to work, when you sleep. then that way i could skin you alive and hang up your skin pelt on my wall."

apparently this high school has a "no tolerance policy" for threats. i mean, come on! that's not creepy AT ALL. they called a meeting this morning to inform us that einstein was not welcome back for the rest of the week. they told ben that it was a bit "silence of the lambs." so here we go again with the suspensions.

anyone want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?

the 4th wise man....

so now there is no room at the inn. we have 4 clients and we are at 'full capacity.' carmella, ben & i often wondered how the house would work with another big...crazy...personality. and now we know. enter who we will call einstein. a 14-yr old boy with a high IQ who loves to spout off big words, such as:

alchemist
metaphor (breaking it down into the greek and latin roots of the words)
hypotenuse
the saying "her IQ is probably the equation of pi"

and that is only the tip of the iceberg. carrying on a conversation with this fella is as difficult as trying to get carrot top's parents to let him come home on christmas day. he also bounces around when he gets anxious or excited, carmella has nicknamed him 'tigger.' one small tender mercy is that einstein and ernest have quickly become BFF's. which is good because they are sharing a room. and because he is now occupying ernest's time so that we do not here "hey ben, hey ben, hey ben" 30,000 times a day. but still, i am asking myself, why do we have another client that i honestly do not see being able to function normally in society one day? where are the kids that just need a temporary place to stay, some teaching interactions, and then will be able to cope with the reality of life? WHERE OH WHERE HAVE THE SANE ONES GONE?

memories...

this blog is more for me than anyone else. you're welcome to read it but you might end up bored!

1) lauren & tyler sleeping in my room on christmas eve, getting teased for always being the first to fall asleep
2) lauren & i sharing a room, playing "what song am i humming" until late at night
3) being in my own room, hearing tyler's little voice through the wall, "will you sing that song one more time please?" because i would always sing myself to sleep
4) driving around on sundays with my dad, looking at enormous houses & sharing a love of architecture
5) my mother's smell
6) laughing so hard i would almost pee my pants with my friend wendy
7) the salt lake children's choir, so afraid to sing solos but kept being 'told' i would sing them (mr. woodward doesn't ASK)
8) sleepovers with cousins & friends...sleeping out on the trampoline...toilet papering whoever we had a crush on
9) holding my grandmother's hand after a mastectomy...she said later she thought i was her guardian angel
10) caroling with my family...dreading it at first...then feeling so warm inside as we visited people who would cry as we sang (was it because we were off tune? i'd like to think not)
12) the infamous steadman family trip in a motorhome through church history sights...the matching t-shirts...the birthday horseshoe
13) moving to fruit heights, being so devastated to leave murray
14) my first combined YM/YW's activity...sledding...thinking, "maybe this move wasn't so bad"
15) driving around in my convertible with friends, listening to music
16) high school graduation day
17) graduation cruise with mom & grandma
18) riding the bus around weber state, getting teased because i couldn't reach the pole to hang on without standing on my tip-tippy toes
19) trip to NYC, lauren, joey...laughing SO hard...getting extremely embarrassing hiccups that refused to go away...new year's eve on times square...the confetti so thick it looked like it was snowing
20) jackson hole, bagel jax, counting crows, casey & some forgettable fellas
21) utah state...mindy & christy & our crazy landlord downstairs...the 'russes'
22) rubbing christy's back while she cried after a break up
23) jackson hole again...kristen, teton steakhouse, the gap, wayne
24) seeing ben at church that first week after both ending our current relationships, realizing that we were each now single
22) our first 'official' date...making spaghetti...feeling so comfortable...overcooking the noodles after saying i was an 'expert'
25) the feeling of nausea while i was on lortab after getting my tonsils out
26) utah state again...christy, tara, lindsay...so many good times...the mouse , "mr. jingles" appearing in the bathroom everytime I had to pee...trapping him in a garbage can w/ tara...getting snowed into our driveway & having a snowball fight...dressing up as a lemon lime for lindsay (who WON, partly i think, because of her awesome mascot)
27) the first time ben kissed me
28) the 'russes' part 2
29) sitting outside overnight in the FREEZING cold with tara for dave matthews tickets during the olympics
30) bear lake cabin adventures with friends...the narcoleptic girl falling over onto the floor w/out a warning...the water being turned off...using water bottles to wash hair & brush teeth, among other things
31) staying up too late talking to ben on the phone...then sleeping in through classes
32) my mother's eyes watching me sadly as i cried during sacrament meeting after breaking up with ben
33) the day ben proposed
34) ben's face on our wedding day
35) our first apartment...in a new place, no job, no friends of my own yet...hanging something new on the walls & making ben figure out what it was when he came home from school
36) our trip to indiana, kentucky, ohio & illinois w/ ginny & grandma alice...the crazy trek through the BIGGEST graveyard i have ever seen...my allergies...the beautiful nauvoo temple...aunt bertha...matching t-shirts AGAIN!!
37) too many rexburg friends to name them all...our fantastic ward...our amazing bishopbric...2 wonderful years
38) our 1st anniversary, ben surprising me with a beautiful diamond wedding band he had been saving up for months to buy
39) making ben play "bula bula" to find the positive pregnancy test...the smile on his face when he realized what it was
40) finding out caleb was a boy
41) caleb's first cry
42) my heart stopping when i heard he only weighed 4 1/2 lbs...crying because i knew something must be wrong
43) mastitis...thinking, 'are you kidding me? i just gave birth and now THIS?"
44) caleb's first smile
45) all of caleb's hospital visits...failure to thrive...meningitis, seizures, digestive problems, getting fitted for special orthopedic shoes
46) being so grateful for the support of family & friends
47) living in spanish fork, so close to the train you could give the conductor a high five
48) the look on caleb's face & the sound coming out of his mouth during his last seizure...the ambulance ride...the blessing from ben & troy
49) playing late night 'call of duty 2' w/ carrie & troy
50) the day caleb took his first independent step...my eyes filling with tears over the past two years of tender mercies
51) moving to north carolina...seeing the house for the first time...two fresh holes in the walls...wondering what we had gotten ourselves into
52) our days off at the beach condo
53) the DC trip with mom
54) holding my sister's hand during my father's wedding...knowing, no matter what, we would always be there for each other
55) the realization that i have lived a blessed life

utah utah utah!!

so we're heading home for a week (this thursday to next thursday) to spend time with family & friends. i can't even TELL YOU how excited we are for this trip!!! we have needed a break...a real break for a while now and after last week...with carrot top. let me just say it took every last bit of patience i had not to go ape crazy on his freckled bum. i am amazed he is still alive and that i still have hair on my head. we can't wait to see everybody!!!!!!!

wanna play?

last night carmella took ernest and fantasia out on an activity. they went to play basketball and carmella asked ernest, "want to play 'horse'?" ernest's reply was "how 'bout we play 'hillbilly' instead." first time i've heard of that one but if anyone would know about it, it'd be ernest.

carrot top's prayer

dinner prayer by carrot top last night,
"dear God, thank you for the people that made this food. help me to get my bleep (he really said bleep) together. amen."

funny....

our good friend troy was helping us out because by scanning in our family picture & emailing it to us. here are some variations on the original that i thought were funny.




everybody always says how much caleb looks like his dad.



ben's wish finally came true...about 6'2" wouldn't you say?

one flew INTO the cuckoo's nest

so yesterday i came walking down the stairs when to my left i heard some frantic fluttering. i looked over to see a small bird had flown through our front door which had been left open accidentally about 5 inches. 

i called for ben and he did his best to summon the small creature....think a male version of mary poppins with a spoon full of sugar but without the awesome purse that holds everything. the bird actually sat on ben's hand for a minute. but the second ben would walk or do anything, the bird would flip out and start ramming into the windows. i was afraid it was about to do some harm to itself. finally the bird caught on to the fact that we were trying to help him, and flew out the open door. 

my dreams of one day owning my own aviary or possibly singing a duet with a bird were shattered.

but it got me thinking...we had a really REALLY bad day with carrot top yesterday. to the point that he did some more property damage and then decided to try to get some negative attention by doing some self-harm. he goes through this cycle every so often of not knowing how to deal with his anger...or boredom...or fear...or whatever it is. 

i thought about this little bird, as ben and i were doing everything we could to get it to safety & freedom, the bird continued to freak out and bash itself into walls and windows. i was soooooo frustrated with carrot top yesterday and couldn't believe the level he will take things just to get negative attention. 

while ben and i and carmella (our AWESOMEST staff member) were standing there, talking softly, reasoning, trying to make him laugh, finally telling him he is sinking his own ship and needs to start bailing himself out, that there is nothing more we could do. and he just kept hitting himself against walls, windows, dressers, couches, you get the idea.

what i'm saying is that i got a little perspective yesterday. that i don't know how much time it will take for carrot top to understand that the front door has been open the whole time and all he needs to do is just stop fighting and start flying. 

maybe he will never understand. maybe it will just take some time, like the bird. 

but whatever he chooses, ben and i will be standing there with our hands open, ready to help.

thankful...

this year thanksgiving is not traditional for us. carrot top is still here, the other two clients have left. ben and i were really hoping that it would just be us, but we understand that this is the life we have chosen for a year so we just take it one day at at time. it doesn't make me any less grateful though, i love this day because it really causes me to sit and think of just how much i have to be thankful for. there have been so many amazing people that have gone in and out of my life and so many that are still involved in my life. i've heard the saying "if you don't have your health, you don't have anything." and i agree with that. but i also think, if i were to come down with a terminal illness tomorrow, how would i get through it? i think with my strong faith in God, and then with the support of those who love me. so this blog is dedicated to my friends and family, i love you so much and am so grateful for all that you have done and continue to do. you have shaped me to be who i am today.

i am grateful for my little family, ben and caleb. these two boys give me so much joy and happiness. i couldn't ask for a better husband than ben. he is patient, kind, freaking hilarious, and a good man. i have the best time with him and am so grateful that we found eachother and are still as in love today as we were 5 years ago. it just keeps getting better with ben and i can't wait to see what our future holds. and little caleb. we have been through a lot with him in his short 2 1/2 years and sometimes when i look at him, my eyes fill up because there was a time...not so long ago...that i did not know how long he would be with us. i was so afraid to love him because i was so afraid to lose him. but i've realized the true lesson that faith and fear cannot co-exist. so i chose faith, and that however long he was granted on this earth, i knew he would not leave unloved. each day with these two guys is a blessing.

i am grateful for my extended family. my parents who have always tried to teach me what is right and did an amazing job being parents. i love you. my brother and sister, as we grow older our relationships just seem to get better. i love you. my in-laws, i love you guys! thank you for being awesome, i feel so lucky to have fantastic in-laws. none of those scary in-law stories. well, just a few, now that we've actually LIVED with some of them. just kidding felt fart family. my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all that comes in between, i am grateful for you and the people that you are.

i am grateful for my friends. some of these fantastic people are so close that they feel like family. they are my elementary school friends, junior high & high school friends, college roommates, friends from rexburg, and now our new friends here in north carolina. ben and i thrive on our relationships with others and we are grateful to have been able to keep in touch with so many of you. you know you have a good friend when you don't see each other for 2 years and you are able to pick up just where you left off.

most of all i am so grateful for my heavenly father and jesus christ. all things that are given to me are direct blessings from heaven. i am so thankful that i have this relationship and will continue to strive to be more like my savior. i am so grateful for the gospel in my life and the light that comes from the truth. it has been so much fun to be out here in the mission field where we are able to introduce others to the gospel.

i hope you all have a fantastic thanksgiving. thank you for being a part of our lives! we love you.

day 3-5

DAY 3:
this was the day for ben & i to go to the conference so we enjoyed attending classes and learning more about the teaching family model which is the model we use in the home. we both learned some really great information and enjoyed the classes we went to. my mom took caleb out again and tried to get into the white house to take a tour but there was a major riot going on this time, some type of racist protest that my mom felt was better to avoid. that night we met up with a favorite girl of mine, my sister lauren's best friend marianne, who is currently living in d.c. we hung out with our awesome supervisor, adia and enjoyed a really good italian meal at a restaurant called "luigi's." yum!





DAY 4:
2nd day of conference, some more good classes. this was the last day of our vacation and we'd felt like it had gone by way too fast. my mom & marianne met up again and took caleb to the lincoln memorial and the weather was beautiful after a couple of cold days.







everyday, we had eaten lunch at this yummy restaurant called "cosi" that ben & i dreamed about opening a franchise in chapel hill just so i could enjoy a tomato, mozzarella and basil pita wrap whenever i want to. makes my mouth water just thinking about it! we checked out early and drove home, stopping along the way for a good old bob evans dinner....minus the love-stricken hostess with the mostess.


DAY 5: my mom left this morning. :( i've loved spending some time with her and it was hard to see her go. back to the old daily grind of being threatened by carrot top, stopping fights between fantasia and ernest and getting unpacked. d.c. is only 4 1/2 hours away and i can't wait to go back!

day 2

DAY 2:
we opt out of the continental breakfast from the HO JO which i am sure consisted of some wrapped up leftovers from out of the dumpsters just to the right of our rooms. ben joked that he bet some used syringes were probably also on the menu. wouldn't surprise me. we check into our 2nd hotel, the capitol hilton which made us feel almost as uncomfortable because it was so beautiful and nice. suddenly WE were the white trash, having valets park our rental car and help the bell hop pack up our unmatching luggage & random target bags full of caleb's stuff onto the luggage carrier. we checked in to our fancy pants room and decided to make the most of the day. unfortunately we had not discussed this with mother nature who had other plans in mind. it was cold, windy and off & on rain while we set out on foot to the white house. we were just blocks away so our location was awesome, but it still was a bit miserable with the weather conditions, but we refused. to let our spirits be dampened. i was blown away by the beautiful architecture and the "feel" of the city. it reminded me of my trip to NYC, where everything just feels more exciting for some reason. just a bit less hollywood and more political. we saw the white house, and enjoyed the picketers that were protesting thanksgiving. they were holding signs that said "meet me don't eat me" which didn't even make sense. who wants to "meet" a turkey? i just felt they could have been a bit more creative but oh well. we went to the washington monument and the museum of natural history. we were pretty tired by about 5:00 and it was cold so we walked back to the hotel.

ready for a day of being tourists.




my mom & i had a girls night where ben had surprised us with tickets for an evening out to the austrian embassy. we dressed up, heard child prodigies play the music of strauss on the piano, ate fancy music and shared a cab with a good-looking drunk couple. the lady sat in the back and was very friendly. it took a turn for the "weird" when she told my mom her voice was very 'melodious.' that was nice, then she continued on, and said it was 'melodious and sensuous.' huh? i teased my mom the rest of the trip about her sensuous voice. we had a fantastic time.




meanwhile, ben and caleb had a "guys night" and ate at burger king. caleb got a crown, which he wore the rest of the night, even in the bathtub. pick your battles.







i love the architecture in this city. the buildings are huge and even though i know the buildings aren't old enough, i can practically see george washington walking out of one.








ben & my mom, the national christmas tree being decorated, the washington monument & the flags surrounding the washington monument.







the white house & the picketers.

d.c. vacation day 1

so we had a great time hanging out in washington d.c. last week. even better was the fact that my mom joined us & we were able to spend some quality time with her. caleb couldn't get enough of nana and she is always great with him. here are some highlights from the trip:

DAY 1: we decided to rent a car because we are planning on selling our car & didn't want to put the miles on it. so i was behind the wheel, enjoying some good conversation with my mom and chilling to death cab for cutie, when all of a sudden a little screen pops up that says "check your right front tire PSI." before we know it, we've got a flat tire. so that was a thrilling way to start off the trip in the middle of dinwiddie, virginia. where, you ask? exactly. we pull off, ben changes the tire which is the SMALLEST tire i've ever seen. i think it was actually an old tire from my first bike when i was 6, and somehow the rental car company got a hold of it. so we end up having to drive into richmond where we exchange cars.



we finally get into D.C. about 2 hours after we're supposed to. and we pull into the howard johnson, a.k.a. "ho jo" hotel which was a steal according to cheaphotels.com. as i go to check in, the first red flag went up when the man in the lobby is talking to me through bullet-proof glass. the next red flag goes up when i read an enormous sign that reads "VIDEO SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS 24 HOURS." nice homey touch, don't you think? we get into our hotel room, which is NOT a non-smoking room and as i run to the bathroom, notice a large piece of duct tape covering a hole in the wall. and i ask myself, why was this 60% off the normal rate? we ordered pizza in, made sure to use all 3 locks on the doors, washed and sanitized ourselves every 5 minutes, and woke up at 5 a.m. to a domestic dispute next door. 2nd day starts off with a bang. literally.