caution: wet floor

this morning we had an incident. nothing major, but enough to write about. ernest was having our new staff member, madeleine, check his chore to make sure he had completed it.

...sidenote...
i have realized that each of our clients has a "badge of honor" of some sort. don't we all in a way? but here is what i think each of our clients' badge of honor is and then i will tie it in to the story.

einstein: his intelligenc & ability to know unimportant facts about everything and nothing.

chester: his sticky fingers & sneakiness. he can steal stuff without batting an eye and think he can get away with it. (unfortunately for him, he doesn't realize that we are going to check under his mattress EVERY TIME.)

ernest: he has been here 3 years in september. that's right, 3 years. and he touts this like it has made him a celebrity or is wearing the sheriff's star on his ripped t-shirt. when in fact, in real life...it makes him the opposite. (but shhh. don't tell him that.) he loves to brag about knowing all the past clients & family teachers. all the rules and secret hiding places in the home. which is what made today interesting...

so since he has been here almost 3 years (which BTW the years just continue to grow, all of a sudden we overhear him saying to a client, "yaaah, i've beeen here five years an' it's gonnnna be six sooon." in his draaaaaaawl), he knows that he is supposed to vacuum the rug, move the couches and sweep the entire living room floor and hallway, then mop. and although madeleine is new, i've already prepped her. so she says that he hasn't moved the couches and mopped the entire floor. he gets disrespectful and tries to bring me in on it. i refuse, saying that she is a staff member and he needs to be respectful to her. he continues to escalate, getting confused on "the facts" and closing his eyes like he is trying so hard to remember exactly what he said to her just 30 seconds ago. he continues to get frustrated and i ask him if he needs time to calm down and to go down to his room.

he yells, "I DON' NEED NO TIME!" as he pounds the cupboards in the kitchen. well clearly i am wrong. he is completely calm...or not... so i again ask him to speak respectfully. he stomps off into the living room, whipping around the mop and slamming it all over the floor. then he picks up one side of the couch and turns it over onto its side. i'm still being nice at this point, prompting him again to remove himself so that he doesn't make things worse. just then chester asks me to check his chore. i say sure, and walk down the hallway.

and suddenly hear a huge SWOOSH. i look down at ernest, who has just dumped the entire bucket of mop water all over the floor. it's going everywhere. down the stairs, on the rug, the overturned couch. well that was IT from the nice fairy. i walk up there, sloshing around in about an inch of water and say,

"okay, so obviously you just want to throw this little temper tantrum in front of everyone instead of handle it like the adult you claim to be, in your room. once it's over and you've calmed down, help yourself to the towels and get this cleaned up."

about 10 minutes later, he apologizes & i help him mop up the mess. i had told him that we needed a "wet floor sign" and he says with his slow laugh, "weeell, why don' ya just lay me down on the flooor 'cuz i'm wearin' a yeller t-shirt. huuh huuh huuh." i told him if he starts acting again like he just did a few minutes ago, that i just might think about it.

taken for granted

so my funny side may not have completely returned (yet) but a little piece of my spiritual side has. i got to go to the temple to do a session tonight for the first time in OVER A YEAR. as usual, a little drama ensued.

i somehow didn't bring my recommend. interesting seeing as i used it just last weekend at christy's sealing. and i ALWAYS put it in the same spot. but i guess my cute shoes distracted me last saturday and i ended up in a lurch tonight....the last session...bishop not answering his phone...luckily it all got worked out.

then as i was changing my zipper got stuck halfway up and would not budge. it's not because i've outgrown it (though i know that is what you were thinking) but actually because i made a dumb decision to wear it when i was 9 mos. pregnant & at that time WAS too big for it in the boosie area, but squoze (that will be a word tonight) into it anyway. pretty embarrassing being great with child & having to ask a temple worker to go get another dress for you while you hang out in the very busy locker room, holding up the other ladies trying to get in & have to tell your husband that you burst your zipper. before i left tonight, i tried out the zipper and do you know that ol' gal went up and down like a champ. i practiced it like 15 times but i apparently the 16th time is the charm. she refused to budge. i had to get my arms out, turn it around frontways, zip it up backwards, and shimmy it around the correct way again. nice trick, no? i'm telling you, those days in gym class & being the conservative dresser that i am, made for some very creative dressing/undressing techniques. if it were an olympic sport, i could probably at least take a bronze.

unfortunately i did make everyone wait about 10 minutes. i know you don't read this, but sorry folks.

i didn't get to go with ben which i would have preferred, but got to go with my friend jamie instead. ben will go with her husband troy tomorrow morning. i had no idea how difficult it would be to find a baby-sitter for my son and 3 teenagers at the same time. (note to self in about 15 years or so: it will be difficult. start looking for a baby-sitter right now for friday night, june 2027.)

anyway, it was refreshing. i just love the peace and separateness-from-the-real-world feeling i get when i am there. sometimes i think i take for granted all of those things that are just "routine" in the mormon utah culture. being able to switch date nights with someone else who wants to go. i felt so grateful for the chance to go.

LL #6

life lesson #6: sometimes "funny" likes to play hide-'n-go-seek:

i have felt a bit frantic lately. that is why my blogging has slowed. i really feel like blogging is my outlet to still make myself laugh even in some tough situations. however, my funny side has mastered the "hide" part of hide-'n-go-seek. i haven't seen her in a while, though i have been looking. every now and then i think i see a glimpse of a toe or a corner of her red shirt. and every now and then i will hear a giggle or a snicker. but for the most part, my "funny" hider is getting better about steering clear from this seeker.

i am a stresser-outer. someone who likes a clear plan for the future & then have some reasonable time to get myself together. however my time is spent otherwise without much of a break and i am quickly boiling up like a tea kettle ready to let loose in a high-pitched whistle.
ben did have his phone interview on tuesday with one of the head honchos at the school in phoenix he is hoping to get into. REALLY hoping. because at this point, there is no plan B. there are no other baskets to put our eggs in. so the earliest we should hear back is this next tuesday, the latest in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. "funny" just shoved herself a little farther back in her corner. (anyone else notice that to the right of this post we have less than 3 weeks before we are supposed to move??)

but tonight & tomorrow until 6pm ben, caleb & i have some time off. i am bound and determined to attempt to relax. i may even start humming the tune "every party has a pooper" to my stressed-out side to give her a little heads-up that she is not welcome back until 6pm on friday night.

and to my funny side....ready or not, here i come.

LL #5

life lesson #5: killer shoes are going to live up to their name.


these are not the exact pair but they are close enough. just without the strap in the middle, but still with a strap around the ankle.

i love these shoes.

but for anyone searching for the perfect pair to break in while being worn to a friend's wedding, look elsewhere.

after being scrunched in the lovely shoes for hours, these little piggies wee, wee, wee'd all their way home. that won't stop me from wearing them to church though. i figured 6 days was enough time for my toes to recuperate and forget the pain i had put them through.

on another note, i am highly impressed with the new madden girl line. they are fantastic, check them out.

here comes the bride.

congratulations christy!

the day was lovely and the bride was lovelier. and he looked dapper. part of the crane family...i love them!

i had a great time at the wedding, celebrating with friends and then getting a chance to spend a teeny bit of time with my mom & sister. highlights:

• almost missing my connecting flight to salt lake.
• seeing laur & brett's cute kids.
• gabby singing "part of your world" at the top of her lungs dressed only in a shirt, undies & her cinderella slippers. accessorized with her favorite aunty's lipstick of course.

• fat merrick's thighs. heavenly.

• hearing jude say "forkin spoon" with his lisp which turned out to sound a little more offensive than he meant it (say it really fast & mispronounce your "r"s like little kids do)

• having my birthday come early....a new dress AND new shoes...compliments of mom & laur. thanks again ladies!
• my intimate couples' massage with my mother. brought some giggles out of both of us.
• my chain-smokin, tattoo wearin' masseuse. thanks again john. you have gentle hands.
• christy's wedding, the sealing, the reception, the fresh pineapple. it was all lovely.
• hanging out with lindsay. i'll woo 'em...(you can finish the rest linds ;)

• seeing old friends who had traveled far for the occasion.

• actually being able to READ & FINISH A BOOK for the first time since december. the host. liked it. a lot.
• plane ride home, next to a man chugging wine. felt the potential for another david hasselhoff moment, but luckily there was no drama.
• got to hang out with my favorite guys tonight. glad the weekend went so smoothly. thanks again ben & our awesome staff.

she's leaving on a jet plane.

yes it's true. one of my oldest & favorite friends christy is getting hitched this weekend and my sweet husband & a sponsor (who will remain anonymous even though i know exactly who you are & don't know what to say except THANK YOU) went in on a plane ticket for me to go.

i wish that i had time to see all the people i love in utah...but this is really quick trip. here for the wedding, out the next morning. so unfortunately i will have to send you my love through a blog. don't be angry, we will be back in utah in less than month for hopefully a week or two & would LOVE to see all of you then. plus, what good am i without my two boys? i am a shell of who i would be with them. a more relaxed

that being said, i am already shell, but a shell nonetheless. :)anxious to step onto the plane. i despise flying with a passion. i'm not too worried about us "going down" or anything, i just get airsick. i cringe when i think of the feeling i get in my abdomen when the plane takes off and i dry heave thinking of the feeling i get when it touches down. i need fresh air and an open window. or at least the knowledge that should the need for an open window arise, the option is there. i feel trapped in a plane. not claustrophobic (i don't think) but just an urgency to have my hair feel wind-swept.

of course, if the plane does happen to go down, know that i love you all. i like some more than others, but i love you all. that was a joke. but seriously, if they uncover my body on the floor of the ocean, know that it is a conspiracy and that i am still alive on a random island carrying my tiki torch and searching the jungle with john locke. don't ever stop looking for me, benny (rhymes with penny, get it, lost fans??). use every last dollar to come and save me so i can be tortured the rest of my life back on normal ground and go insane until have to return to that same said island to rescue relatives i never knew i had.

i bid you all adieu.

kickin the pooch when she's pooched.

dear face,

hi, it's me.

the spirit behind the skin. i just wanted to ask you why you insist on popping up new zits in unremarkable places during a time when i am most stressed.

why do you have to kick me while i am already down?

when i am, for the first time in a while, packing & preparing to see some long lost friends & family (will get to that in a minute), do you feel you need to provide these angry little red dots that unfortunately match my moods? are you a type of mood ring? clear & lovely when i am happy, angry and red (and apparently producing friends faster than two rabbits can produce baby bunnies) when i am mad and about to lose it?

why can't i get a break. i can't wear a diego band-aid on the plane and you are well aware of that fact.

how about if we do a make a little deal. when i am angry, you provide fantastic looking skin so that i can say to myself "well at least i have that." i promise to stop eating rice krispie treats if you'll hold up to your end of the bargain and give me what i am asking for.

pinkie swear?

snap crackle & pop,
lynsey


dear neck,

me again.

i was informed today by the lovely clinique counter lady that i have been abandoning & neglecting you for up to 27 years now.

apparently every time i moisturize my face, i am supposed to be moisturizing you also. since this is the first i've heard of the notion, i think it's fair to ask that you cut me a little slack and not age quicker than you are supposed to.

don't think you need to add an extra 27 years of wear and tear on just to spite me.

from this day forward you will no longer be coveting the moisture that has been applied to your above-mentioned neighbor. but i swear to you, if i see one pre-40's wrinkle, i will snap that lotion lid on quicker than you can say 'bob's your uncle' and you will see it no more.

just so we have an understanding.

thanks for your patience, i am an ignorant fool.

here's to years of moisture,
lynsey



dear clinique counter lady,

i'm sure you were attempting a little kind gesture when you stuck 2 sample tubes of "acne solution: emergency gel-lotion intensif" into my bag.

but quite honestly, today it felt like a little jab.

i know i was asking you for advice; however i didn't mention any concerns of the blemishes gracing my cheeks this afternoon and yet somehow you caught on.

maybe instead next time try to offer a heavier concealer. in a tactful way, of course.

not that this means i don't want the samples, you see.

i have probably used half of a tube just in one night. and when i wake up tomorrow, if this "emergency" stuff actually works, i may just send you a little thank-you card in the mail. time shall tell.

i guess i should say a little thank-you for just popping them in there without a word. i didn't feel insecure about being out in public with my scary skin until i was at home and opened up the bag to moisturize my neck, and saw the green little tubes. so i do appreciate your discreetness.

possibly your new friend, possibly still embarrassed,
lynsey

anger, seething, frustration...

(ooooooh. just re-read through what i just typed. this is some major venting, and most if it won't make sense to outsiders of this job. read at your own risk.)

are just a few emotions that are rolling through me right now. i'm not going to expound more except to say two things:
1) 9 YEAR OLD CLIENT COMING. 9???? that means something major has gone on in order to be placed here.
2) just an overall feeling of being veeerrrryyy unappreciated by the head honchos that run this joint. they say that we are the best family teachers that they've ever had, they say that they will do everything in their power to convince us to stay, but then their actions are the exact opposite.

(okay, so obviously i am not really going to only say 2 things. it was not realistic of me to think i could be done with just those short sentences. hold on to your hats.)

and they wonder why couples only stay in this job a year??? you know honestly, the kids can drive me bonkers sometimes. they are an absolute handful. however...we would have completely considered staying here if our bosses (above our immediate supervisor, who is awesome btw) had actually helped us to feel like we were more than the dirt off of their shoes. they are (deep down) good people, but they just treat the family teachers...which in my humble opinion...is the most important position here (don't be offended, carmella, you know we couldn't live without you) like they are the least important. "how do you feel about taking a girl client?" "you know, we really don't feel like that is a good idea, here are our reasons why." (phone rings one day later) "there will be a 10 yr. old girl arriving in your home tonight." "how do you feel about a 9 yr. old client?" "we really have concerns about a client that young and this is why." (email one hour later) "there will be a 9 yr. old client coming to your home next week."

so here i am now, yelling at my blog and pretending it is my boss:

WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER ASKING US IF YOU DON'T EVER LISTEN TO US? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON STRESSING US OUT CONSTANTLY AND ACT LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT IT? THE JOB IS STRESSFUL ENOUGH WITH ONLY 12 HOURS OFF A WEEK AND THE KIDS ARE ALL HOME FOR THE SUMMER. AND WITH A MOVE COMING UP IN LIKE 3 WEEKS AND WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE MOVING TO YET. HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE YOUR PEA-SIZED, GRINCH-LIKE HEARTS AND COME ON OVER HERE TO WORK FOR US THE LAST FEW WEEKS AND WE WILL TAKE OFF EARLY. AND YOU CAN SHOVE THAT YEAR-END BONUS WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.

phew! i feel a little better now. i think packing some boxes tonight would be semi-therpeutic. goodnight. and my apologies to those who suffered through this one.

not one, but two...

on my sister's blog, there are two giveaways this week! one is a $10 giftcard to target & the other is a really cute parking pal magnet to go on the side of your car. so click on the link, read the articles, leave a comment & you're entered for the giveaway!

a little reminder...

things have been a bit calmer since fantasia's boot to boot camp.

but just in case we forgot where we were, chester, our client addicted to slamming his door, punched through his bedroom window today. all over being asked to do his dishes he left from last night.

a little reminder to never get too comfortable with quiet, never pat ourselves on the back for being able to change behaviors, never let us forget why we are leaving in under a month. i know the rewards of this job usually come much MUCH later after we are gone,

but seriously....give us a break.

a dad is...

someone who makes you smile when you don't feel like smiling...

someone who feels your pain...

someone who will tickle you until you wet your pants...

someone who will share their hairstyle techniques...

who will hold you tight after you've been on a long journey...

someone who will lift you up so you can see the light...

someone who values education...

someone who will help you appreciate the beauty of the earth...

someone who will teach you "marco, polo"...

someone who will help you walk through trials...

someone who will talk you through your problems...

someone with a fantastic sense of humor...

someone who will make you feel like a prince or princess...

someone who will sit on santa's lap when you're too scared to...

someone who is a good friend...

someone who will carry you when you are too tired to stand...

someone who would make his own father proud...

for all these reasons and more, this is why we love you.

happy father's day, ben.

to my dad...

thank you for everything.

phew!...for the most part

so ben went to the doctor yesterday for his test results & they at least ruled out lymphoma, which is what we were really worried about. so at least that's out of the way.

unfortunately then we go back to, so what IS really wrong? if you know ben then you know that he is a generally healthy & hyper fellow who despises medicine & going to the doctor.

but anyway, back to more tests & unexplained symptoms. get better soon, sweet cheeks!

LL #4

life lesson #4: what to do to occupy your time on a hot, humid, summer day...according to einstein


collect all of the skipbo cards, put them in numerical & color-coordinated order. then whip out your calculator & start adding numbers. when asked what you are doing, say:

"i am attempting to have my calculator remember the numerical card sequence."

and that, my friends, is called making the most of your time.

LL #3

life lesson #3: church ties make great secret ops uni's.

yesterday we made a bunch of cookies & decided to drop off a couple of plates to some families. well ben tries to get ernest & einstein all hyped up to "ding dong ditch" (these crazy easterners don't know what anything's called out here) & tells them they are going to be in charge of running the plates & not getting caught.

ernest decides they need to dress up for their parts. two minutes later they emerge from their rooms with their church ties wrapped around their heads like bandannas. but wait, it gets better. ernest accessorizes with his leopard print sheet finagled over one shoulder in a toga/nephi look. leopard print. sheet. he's 16.

i hadn't known that ben had been getting them so excited for their 30 seconds out in "the field" so when i saw them dressed up, it took everything i had to not laugh.

the actual ding dong ditch part was an adventure, putting a stop to the squabbling going on between ernest & einstein as to who followed who to who's hiding spot & trying to explain to caleb what was going on so he would stop freaking out ("I WANT TO GO HIDE TOO!" he screamed repeatedly).

unfortunately we did have a bit of a mishap. ernest realized his make-shift bandanna had somehow gotten lost during the run from the bushes to the van. i told him almost every mission had collateral damage & that it was a sacrifice that had to be made.

but all things considered, the mission was a success. and thank the maker we've still got that leopard print sheet around. you never know when that thing might come in handy again. i'm thinking christmas '08, the nativity scene with joseph sportin' a little jungle madness in the manger.

LL #2

life lesson #2:

if it's the right person, everything's better with two!

so ben had read my posting on the round brush experience & thought it was pretty funny that brushing my own hair could be so traumatic. so a couple of nights ago i was making another attempt with the round brush & ben came in to watch me make a fool out of myself for a couple of minutes.

next thing i know, he's offered to help me. and so we spend a good 20 minutes round brushing my hair together.

he's sweet, no? i don't know a whole lotta husbands who would do that. plus he totally validated me by saying, "this is hard!"

i love him.

life lessons

life lesson #1:

how to manipulate a manipulator.

question: what do you get when you combine the mastermind brains of ben & lynsey??
answer: you set up your client to make her believe that she actually chose to go to boot camp, when in reality it has been planned for weeks.

that's right, we will start from the top. friday night, fantasia wakes up at 4am because she has wet her bed & her blanket & wants our overnight awake staff to provide a blanket for her. she knows this is a no-no and our overnight staff, shy, reminds her of this. but fantasia will not be diverted. she begins to yell "well what am i supposta do? what am i supposta do? whaddami gonna do?" and my poor ben, who has been sick all day & night, is sleeping upstairs on our bathroom floor because he feels like at any moment he could ride the porcelain train, hears her yelling through the floor. and has HAD IT.

ben heads on downstairs & amazingly stays calm. but i don't think he would have started out so calmly if he had known he was in for a 2 1/2 hour stand-off. that's right, it was fantasia's showtime until 6:30 am. it wrapped up just a few minutes after ben had to remove the couch cushions from our couch....as she was sleeping on them. fantastic move, bennigans. she finally agrees to go to bed but before she will head on down to her room, feels the urge to have a heart-to-heart with ben, saying she doesn't think she's "doing well" here. YA THINK?? and ben takes this opportunity to plant the seed....

he shocks her by saying:
"okay, well maybe tomorrow we can talk to your treatment team (mom, social worker, therapist) about the possibility of moving you somewhere. we want you to know that we take what you say seriously (which normally we really don't...j/k) and that we will look at a change in placement."

saturday morning, she says the same thing to me. and since ben & i are basically "one" in mind, i say the same thing to her not knowing ben had already had the same conversation. fantasia's mom is coming to pick her up to take her for a couple of hours so i call her ahead of time & tell her that we are going to plant another conversation in front of fantasia. she quickly agrees & likes the idea.

i sit down with fantasia before her mom comes & say to her: "you know, i understand that you really don't feel like you're doing well here. i want you to know i'm more than happy to talk with your mom about it. but i just want you to think seriously about this because where you go from here just might be worse. your behavior has declined & this is the 2nd group home you would be leaving unsuccessfully. just remember that if you do actually get to leave & it's more difficult than here, it was your choice to leave."

and the seed begins to grow....
her mom comes in, i let her know how fantasia is just not feeling "successful" here and that she really thinks a change might be good. and how we really should consider her opinion & think about looking at some options.

her mom does a great job, rolls her eyes, says that she knows fantasia could be successful here if she would just try. but okay, she will try to start looking at some places.

the seed just sprouted a leaf....


on the way back here with her mom, fantasia once again starts up her speech of feeling hopeless & needing a fresh start. so her mom acts worn down and says,

"okay, that's it. you get your stuff packed up. everything. and i will come tomorrow and pick you up around 4 o'clock and we'll take you somewhere else."

and it blossoms.
so here we are today. fantasia is sincerely shocked that we & her mother have taken her seriously. we continue to say we will miss her, we all talk about our favorite memories of her, make another fancy meal compliments of carmen. we wish her luck & remind her that this was HER DECISION & that we hope she is "successful" at her next placement. her parents show up, have her change her clothes into some all black pants & t-shirt, and she's out the door.

i have to say even though there wasn't the drama i thought there would be, it was pretty fantastic to end things on this note as opposed to the way carrot top left. her mom called me tonight to tell me that she was checked in & crying to come back to us. and that, is the lesson on how to manipulate a manipulator. plant the seed and watch it grow.

really though, our main goal was for her to take accountability for her actions & not blame her mom for sending her to boot camp. it is human nature to want to blame others for bad things that happen and these kids are masters at that skill.

well anyway, we will get another client soon. you never know if what the stork will bring to the doorstep is worse than what was just shipped off. so we will enjoy our week long hiatus & try to get our lives in order before the next one turns it upside down again.