life lessons

life lesson #1:

how to manipulate a manipulator.

question: what do you get when you combine the mastermind brains of ben & lynsey??
answer: you set up your client to make her believe that she actually chose to go to boot camp, when in reality it has been planned for weeks.

that's right, we will start from the top. friday night, fantasia wakes up at 4am because she has wet her bed & her blanket & wants our overnight awake staff to provide a blanket for her. she knows this is a no-no and our overnight staff, shy, reminds her of this. but fantasia will not be diverted. she begins to yell "well what am i supposta do? what am i supposta do? whaddami gonna do?" and my poor ben, who has been sick all day & night, is sleeping upstairs on our bathroom floor because he feels like at any moment he could ride the porcelain train, hears her yelling through the floor. and has HAD IT.

ben heads on downstairs & amazingly stays calm. but i don't think he would have started out so calmly if he had known he was in for a 2 1/2 hour stand-off. that's right, it was fantasia's showtime until 6:30 am. it wrapped up just a few minutes after ben had to remove the couch cushions from our couch....as she was sleeping on them. fantastic move, bennigans. she finally agrees to go to bed but before she will head on down to her room, feels the urge to have a heart-to-heart with ben, saying she doesn't think she's "doing well" here. YA THINK?? and ben takes this opportunity to plant the seed....

he shocks her by saying:
"okay, well maybe tomorrow we can talk to your treatment team (mom, social worker, therapist) about the possibility of moving you somewhere. we want you to know that we take what you say seriously (which normally we really don't...j/k) and that we will look at a change in placement."

saturday morning, she says the same thing to me. and since ben & i are basically "one" in mind, i say the same thing to her not knowing ben had already had the same conversation. fantasia's mom is coming to pick her up to take her for a couple of hours so i call her ahead of time & tell her that we are going to plant another conversation in front of fantasia. she quickly agrees & likes the idea.

i sit down with fantasia before her mom comes & say to her: "you know, i understand that you really don't feel like you're doing well here. i want you to know i'm more than happy to talk with your mom about it. but i just want you to think seriously about this because where you go from here just might be worse. your behavior has declined & this is the 2nd group home you would be leaving unsuccessfully. just remember that if you do actually get to leave & it's more difficult than here, it was your choice to leave."

and the seed begins to grow....
her mom comes in, i let her know how fantasia is just not feeling "successful" here and that she really thinks a change might be good. and how we really should consider her opinion & think about looking at some options.

her mom does a great job, rolls her eyes, says that she knows fantasia could be successful here if she would just try. but okay, she will try to start looking at some places.

the seed just sprouted a leaf....


on the way back here with her mom, fantasia once again starts up her speech of feeling hopeless & needing a fresh start. so her mom acts worn down and says,

"okay, that's it. you get your stuff packed up. everything. and i will come tomorrow and pick you up around 4 o'clock and we'll take you somewhere else."

and it blossoms.
so here we are today. fantasia is sincerely shocked that we & her mother have taken her seriously. we continue to say we will miss her, we all talk about our favorite memories of her, make another fancy meal compliments of carmen. we wish her luck & remind her that this was HER DECISION & that we hope she is "successful" at her next placement. her parents show up, have her change her clothes into some all black pants & t-shirt, and she's out the door.

i have to say even though there wasn't the drama i thought there would be, it was pretty fantastic to end things on this note as opposed to the way carrot top left. her mom called me tonight to tell me that she was checked in & crying to come back to us. and that, is the lesson on how to manipulate a manipulator. plant the seed and watch it grow.

really though, our main goal was for her to take accountability for her actions & not blame her mom for sending her to boot camp. it is human nature to want to blame others for bad things that happen and these kids are masters at that skill.

well anyway, we will get another client soon. you never know if what the stork will bring to the doorstep is worse than what was just shipped off. so we will enjoy our week long hiatus & try to get our lives in order before the next one turns it upside down again.